Hmm. What can i say? After reading sylvia's blog, and the class blog (which was posted by her too), it struck me very hard. Not only did i realise how my so-called "mugging" actually is nothing but slacking, i came to understand that i simply did not put in enough effort.

I think it was sheer luck that i had managed to pass history, SS, english and chinese. Border-line passes, but still a pas nonetheless. Yes, i did fail chem and math as expected. Math not quite as bad as i thought, chem was a letdown. Physics alone left to be known on wednesday. Which i think im pretty much done for as well..

Came back home and father just talked to me about my failure in maths again. I can't take it much longer. Why must they always assume that im spending so much time and concentration on my trainings and neglecting my studies? I didn't even go for training today. I'm just totally crushed by his words. He told me not to be so active in cca because he assume im a reserve for the team. He says it's not worth it for a reserve position to screw my maths up.

And yknw this really cracked me up. I've played this sport for so many years, although im not very good at it, am i to him, just nothing but a reserve? Is my plac value that low as he sees me? Does he really hate me playing it so much? I really can't take this. I can't give this up now, although i might be happy to. It's been stressing me for awhile, but not to the extent that he has to make me quit it. And i knw that i can't.

I just feel so lost and i don't knw what i can do. Even if i really did study, i still screw up. I can't study to get good results, i can't do well in my cca. I can't handle this bullshit from him. I just can't. I really hate my parents forever pushing all the blame to my cca. Maybe they had convinced me and now i really dread going to cca too.

Sometimes they just cannot understand and i just don't knw what i can do instead of feeling so frustrated and lost.

I really wished i could get myself out of this too. I don't knw why my passion just die off that easily. It's just torture. Maybe there wasn't really a passion to start with. Maybe that 'passion' was the interlude in all my unwillingness for it. But now i've gotten myself in this, there isn't any way out, i can't leave my responsibility. Though i don't knw why they must give me a position which i do not want. I'd rather they didn't give me anything, if i can't get the one i want. Why still get me involved? It's better off with people who truly want it.

I don't think i'd be able to do such a fantastic job as well. So i suggest you don't depend on me. There are others far more capable because i can't even handle my own problems well. I've lost the right to assume any more responsibilities for now. I'm sorry but i wished i could have the right to do more.