Sometimes i just have to think. Thinking wise, not academically sadly. Thinking about other things, alot of things. Some general some personal some just random rubbish. From young i thought about alot of things which now i find childish and ridiculous. Being idle, i just have too much time to think and think about the things i didn;t have any explanation for and why things are like the way they are.
But now i think about things which affect me. Brood over things like results and things which might not be important at all. Sometimes i think i have too much time to spare. Rather than doing homework, im actually stoning and thinking of such useless things. If only i think as much academic wise, i would have been a whiz kid or something. LOL.
&yknw what i've been thinking for so long? How everything could be different if something did or did not happen. How everything could be different. But of course nothing could be reverted, wrongs could not be righted. It really is not as easy as it seems, cos i've tried so hard. But i still do think.
Seems like things have reverted back to the start. When i always see you online but never talked. Just maybe now, it's for a different reason. Don't we use to talk everyday, what changed this? The faint blue highlight is forever on your display name, it was always there everytime i signed in. Just didn't double click on it and start something. Just didn't exactly dare to. Just waiting every time to see if you might be the one to start something. Time and again i signed off with nothing at all. I knw that things are different but i didn't knw it would turn out this bad.
Saturday, March 31
Friday, March 30
Lessons today were totally boring. Lessons after break were totally killers. Maybe only physics passed very fast. Gohsm lost her voice and we were told to copy answers for reading and writing for the whole period. She actually released us 10min early. Miraculous. Anyway she stay also can't do anything because she got no voice and can't teach. lol.
Then had cca selection, rather chaotic because damn many people were there. Results will only be out on tuesday. Then we trained awhile and i played match with jingzhan and szefan. Won one lost one =x. Ohwell~ Then me, sherry, zhijun and peiqi went to jp for zhijun to look for her stuff. And peiqi's sis joined us for awhile then they went off. After zhijun's dinner we went home. And my father got bu shuang again because i reached home late. Stupid. There's no way i will reach very early back home anyway.
----
Feel so pissed, so tired of this. Does it really matter that much? Obviously not, it doesn't matter at all. The problem's all with me, it's always with me. I thought i managed to not bother about it anymore. But of all the hopes and faith i've been given, i got back to that stage where it matters, alot. And so now, i'll just have to learn that this is really not the most important thing of all. Apparently i've just thought too highly of myself when im just nth.
& is that really too much to ask for. I thought all was explained for. What's your problem? What's my problem? I'm so bloody sick of all this rubbish. If this is the way, then fine. I shall leave it this way and not care anymore. Fine. I don't give a damn anymore. If you are so insistent about it. Fine. Everything doesn't matter anymore, i suppose.
Do everything the way everyone wants it. I'm frustrated of all this, sick of all that and very very tired of everything that's happening. I don't, and never wish to care anymore. Is it just me, or the bloody problem with everyone else?
I guess it's me then.
Then had cca selection, rather chaotic because damn many people were there. Results will only be out on tuesday. Then we trained awhile and i played match with jingzhan and szefan. Won one lost one =x. Ohwell~ Then me, sherry, zhijun and peiqi went to jp for zhijun to look for her stuff. And peiqi's sis joined us for awhile then they went off. After zhijun's dinner we went home. And my father got bu shuang again because i reached home late. Stupid. There's no way i will reach very early back home anyway.
----
Feel so pissed, so tired of this. Does it really matter that much? Obviously not, it doesn't matter at all. The problem's all with me, it's always with me. I thought i managed to not bother about it anymore. But of all the hopes and faith i've been given, i got back to that stage where it matters, alot. And so now, i'll just have to learn that this is really not the most important thing of all. Apparently i've just thought too highly of myself when im just nth.
& is that really too much to ask for. I thought all was explained for. What's your problem? What's my problem? I'm so bloody sick of all this rubbish. If this is the way, then fine. I shall leave it this way and not care anymore. Fine. I don't give a damn anymore. If you are so insistent about it. Fine. Everything doesn't matter anymore, i suppose.
Do everything the way everyone wants it. I'm frustrated of all this, sick of all that and very very tired of everything that's happening. I don't, and never wish to care anymore. Is it just me, or the bloody problem with everyone else?
I guess it's me then.
Thursday, March 29
500th Post.
Finally it's thursday, tmr's going to be the end of the week! Today was okay, though alot of lessons but all were fine luckily. Did a nice candle during CID lesson today (: Missed out quite alot of things in the session i was gone for tournament, now must catch up with proposal and stuff.
After school had class meeting. It went alright, decided class tee now waiting for design from our three impt designers: sylvia, sharman and candy! Then carried on with math remedial. Was alright too, finished the ws in about 50min then went off to wait for sharman and xinyu. Then took 99 back home with xinyu and i overshot my stop again =x.
Selection for captain tmr already. Wow, time really flies. Don't want to sound cliche but really, was like awhile ago peiqi became the new captain only. And was saying that our batch's selection was still far far away. But look at now, it's just tmr. Thinking that now we'd be the oldest batch of seniors, the time i was saying long ago would come. And now it's here. What'd it be like..i really wonder.
Okay ttime to do a bit of work =x
Finally it's thursday, tmr's going to be the end of the week! Today was okay, though alot of lessons but all were fine luckily. Did a nice candle during CID lesson today (: Missed out quite alot of things in the session i was gone for tournament, now must catch up with proposal and stuff.
After school had class meeting. It went alright, decided class tee now waiting for design from our three impt designers: sylvia, sharman and candy! Then carried on with math remedial. Was alright too, finished the ws in about 50min then went off to wait for sharman and xinyu. Then took 99 back home with xinyu and i overshot my stop again =x.
Selection for captain tmr already. Wow, time really flies. Don't want to sound cliche but really, was like awhile ago peiqi became the new captain only. And was saying that our batch's selection was still far far away. But look at now, it's just tmr. Thinking that now we'd be the oldest batch of seniors, the time i was saying long ago would come. And now it's here. What'd it be like..i really wonder.
Okay ttime to do a bit of work =x
Wednesday, March 28
A very tiring wednesday. When's friday going to come... Haix, feeling damn sian and so slack. Why can't i just bring myself to do the few homework due tmr... Okay i definitely will do the homwork after this post. I will i will.
Had class leaders' investiture today. Nothing much just those last minute changes screwed alot of arrangements and stuff up. And i was sitting at the 3A seat instead of 3H. And i don't have a whatever 'fanclub' because obviously nobody cheered whatsoever for me. Because im a bad leader. Ohwell. Felt so sleepy during lessons, and i catch no ball three-quarter of the time today. Don't ask me why, i don't knw what's the problem with me too.
Module was like a ohmygod. Keep copying of notes until we were all groaning. And it released 30min late. Went back to class and found sharman and vincent and some other people. And waited for them to finish hw. And they took so damn long man omg. Then the uncle cae to lock the classrooms but he claimed that we broke in because he already locked it. =.= Sweecheng and sharman were in there like the whole time, how to lock =.= Ohwell then we took 51 and went home.
So tired now. But must at least complete my owe-damn-long assignment 2 and math first. Zzz
----
And i searched all of my memories, trying hard to recall. But it just struck me that it probably didn't happen at all. It's not me.
Had class leaders' investiture today. Nothing much just those last minute changes screwed alot of arrangements and stuff up. And i was sitting at the 3A seat instead of 3H. And i don't have a whatever 'fanclub' because obviously nobody cheered whatsoever for me. Because im a bad leader. Ohwell. Felt so sleepy during lessons, and i catch no ball three-quarter of the time today. Don't ask me why, i don't knw what's the problem with me too.
Module was like a ohmygod. Keep copying of notes until we were all groaning. And it released 30min late. Went back to class and found sharman and vincent and some other people. And waited for them to finish hw. And they took so damn long man omg. Then the uncle cae to lock the classrooms but he claimed that we broke in because he already locked it. =.= Sweecheng and sharman were in there like the whole time, how to lock =.= Ohwell then we took 51 and went home.
So tired now. But must at least complete my owe-damn-long assignment 2 and math first. Zzz
----
And i searched all of my memories, trying hard to recall. But it just struck me that it probably didn't happen at all. It's not me.
Tuesday, March 27
Didn't update again yesterday. Well, also nothing much to say bah, just that it's really all over. We lost to PLMGS. Out from nationals top 8. We'll be back again next year, definitely, just wait and see. After match yesterday we all went out for dinner at harbourfront and we took a nice picture!
Left to right: Zhijun, Pearly, Sherry, Rousi. Of course im the camera man. So im not in there. Ohwell.
Today's pe was crazy (for me). Did 5 sets of 400m below 2min. Zzz i hate intervals, damn tiring. First two rounds still okay, then third round lagged, fourth round a little better and last round abit better. After that just felt like dying. I can't believe napfa 2.4km run is next monday. Like why don't you just kill me.
Then was lessons all the way, chem prac was rather fun. Then after school got no training. But stay back to self train. So also nothing much. Me zhijun and sherry trained pearly and rousi today. And they are PRO now, so don't play play! LOLL.
Yes, and there's module tmr. Going to die soon. Argh. I don't knw why my parents never fail to piss me off every single day at home. Sometimes i just hate them so much.
& just when are you going to let me forget the hate. I just hope you'll knw when to be quiet and simpy shut up.
Left to right: Zhijun, Pearly, Sherry, Rousi. Of course im the camera man. So im not in there. Ohwell.Today's pe was crazy (for me). Did 5 sets of 400m below 2min. Zzz i hate intervals, damn tiring. First two rounds still okay, then third round lagged, fourth round a little better and last round abit better. After that just felt like dying. I can't believe napfa 2.4km run is next monday. Like why don't you just kill me.
Then was lessons all the way, chem prac was rather fun. Then after school got no training. But stay back to self train. So also nothing much. Me zhijun and sherry trained pearly and rousi today. And they are PRO now, so don't play play! LOLL.
Yes, and there's module tmr. Going to die soon. Argh. I don't knw why my parents never fail to piss me off every single day at home. Sometimes i just hate them so much.
& just when are you going to let me forget the hate. I just hope you'll knw when to be quiet and simpy shut up.
Monday, March 26
Probably the first time im blogging so early at 5plus before school. Well, don't knw what made me turn on the computer when i woke up today, just felt like it. Or is that it? And at 5.15am, only SmarterChild is online. This thing is probably online forever anyway.
It will all be over after we play PLMGS today. I'm probably going to screw up again.
It will all be over after we play PLMGS today. I'm probably going to screw up again.
Sunday, March 25
First, to all 2C'06 people reading (if any), please note that the class blog url was also cocked up (by blogger) and the new link is this: http://2complicated06.blogspot.com. Remember to relink please, thanks.
Alright. Didn't really do much homework today. Went to the library and tried to do some physics but hell, im just stuck. LA speech not crafted nor perfected. All the impromptu inspirations i sprouted to xinyu in the library yesterday just decided to leave me and not come back. -Sigh- Feeling helpless...
Really quite glad that i'd finally started to do homework, but this is hardly enough. I've got much catching up to do, hopefully i'll be able to.
PLMGS tmr. I think the outcome really doesn't matter anymore. Jiayou all 'C' and 'B' girls for tmr.
----
虽然开始就没奢望会有什么结果, 就是我迟迟不敢对你说的原因. 但突然有了希望却又突然结束, 这种心痛你明白吗? 我知道这都不是谁的错, 不是我的怎么强迫到最后也不会属于我.
真得很难过, 但还是要接受, 谢谢你给过的感动... 可以做最要好的朋友, 拥有最美好的回忆, 也许已经足够了...我希望你也会快乐...
过去的就已经是过去, 不要担心, 我会学着放开的...
回忆...我会保留那段最感人的回忆...
Alright. Didn't really do much homework today. Went to the library and tried to do some physics but hell, im just stuck. LA speech not crafted nor perfected. All the impromptu inspirations i sprouted to xinyu in the library yesterday just decided to leave me and not come back. -Sigh- Feeling helpless...
Really quite glad that i'd finally started to do homework, but this is hardly enough. I've got much catching up to do, hopefully i'll be able to.
PLMGS tmr. I think the outcome really doesn't matter anymore. Jiayou all 'C' and 'B' girls for tmr.
----
虽然开始就没奢望会有什么结果, 就是我迟迟不敢对你说的原因. 但突然有了希望却又突然结束, 这种心痛你明白吗? 我知道这都不是谁的错, 不是我的怎么强迫到最后也不会属于我.
真得很难过, 但还是要接受, 谢谢你给过的感动... 可以做最要好的朋友, 拥有最美好的回忆, 也许已经足够了...我希望你也会快乐...
过去的就已经是过去, 不要担心, 我会学着放开的...
回忆...我会保留那段最感人的回忆...
Saturday, March 24
Was feeling very very tired this morning at 6.15am when i woke up to go for CIP in school. Didn't really want to go, but still decided to drag myself out of bed. Shouldn't have went, because there wasn't CIP today. Wasted 1+ hour of my time waiting for anyone in charge to open the door to the library, but well, 8am came and gone and still no one came. Paged for teachers, no one there. And so we concluded: there is no CIP today. Everyone let's go give yanyi a slap each on monday. LOL.
Well, the boys went to play bball while most of the girls wanted to stay back for the drama lesson. Xinyu and i went off by ourselves to jec for uh, breakfast since it was only 9.30am. And then we went to the library and sat at the cafe. I've actually done homework. Wow. And got my inspiration for english speech. Alot of messy ideas floating around my mind, need to sort them out and organise it into a speech. I hope i don't offend people with it. And thanks to sherry for that little interview.
And then i came home early and my parents were damn shocled because i reached home at 2pm. =.= You knw something damn funny and ridiculous? My parents actually think i got a boyfriend. Like HAHAHA! Just because i don't want to let my father to drive me to school and i always reach home late. Like lame please. I reach home late because of tournament, trainings and stuff larh. What boyfriend, super dudiao.
Homework:
1. Language Arts speech (half done)
2. Math handout
3. Jian Bao
4. Yue Du Bu Tie
5. Physics assignment 3 (I need help with assignment 2 too! Urgh.)
6. Chemistry worksheet
7. Module research
Going to finish up my speech. Whee im doing hw. LOL.
Well, the boys went to play bball while most of the girls wanted to stay back for the drama lesson. Xinyu and i went off by ourselves to jec for uh, breakfast since it was only 9.30am. And then we went to the library and sat at the cafe. I've actually done homework. Wow. And got my inspiration for english speech. Alot of messy ideas floating around my mind, need to sort them out and organise it into a speech. I hope i don't offend people with it. And thanks to sherry for that little interview.
And then i came home early and my parents were damn shocled because i reached home at 2pm. =.= You knw something damn funny and ridiculous? My parents actually think i got a boyfriend. Like HAHAHA! Just because i don't want to let my father to drive me to school and i always reach home late. Like lame please. I reach home late because of tournament, trainings and stuff larh. What boyfriend, super dudiao.
Homework:
1. Language Arts speech (half done)
3. Jian Bao
4. Yue Du Bu Tie
5. Physics assignment 3 (I need help with assignment 2 too! Urgh.)
7. Module research
Going to finish up my speech. Whee im doing hw. LOL.
Friday, March 23
Been on a short hiatus for the past two days because of schoolwork and such. So I’m back here today (because it’s the weekends – FINALLY) to blog abit about the past two days and also today. So it might be a long and boring entry ahead.
Wednesday – 21/3/07
Had a change in seating positions! Like finally! && guess what, I’m back to seating with Sylvia again with Vincent and Yuhong behind the two of us! Just like before (: We were one row behind our very first seating arrangements and also in the coldest part of the whole classroom. I got my name written down in the management diary again for physics lesson for not handing in reading and writing article 2. Zzz going to get myself into the beta form soon enough got to stop slacking! But there’s improvement, I’m actually doing homework. Ohwell.
Thursday – 22/3/07
Was match day with New Town Sec. I can only say that we had truly underestimated them, that’s why we had to put up such a tough fight in order to win. Their ‘B’ division is seriously a lot better than the ‘C’ division. Stella was first singles, she lost. But I felt she did not lose n skill, definitely not in skill but she lost in the state of mind. One thing was that jiaolian wasn’t there because he had to go to the primary school zonal match so yangling went instead. And according to Stella, jiaolian was screaming at her down the phone, which affected her a lot.
Peiqi and Shibin went next, thankfully they won their match. Set score 1-1. Zhijun was second singles, and I guess her mood was affected too. She lost her match as well. Set score 2-1. Carmen and my turn. Only one word to describe: Stressed. And I think we had good reason to be stressed too. The game now depended on the two of us. If we lost our match, it’s game over for us and we would have lost to New Town. But, if we won, we still have a set score of 2-2 for Sherry to fight it out with the last singles.
Was really damn stressed, I screwed up a lot in the first match. But after what yangling told us, to just forget about the score and just focus on the game, think I was able to let go abit. Eventually, RV and New Town had a screaming match between each other. Everytime we won a ball, the RV side, juniors, seniors and all would like SCREAMING, and cheering of course. But everytime I see the ball go under the net or fly way off the edge of the table, everytime when my heart drops at this sight, the New Town side would start the screaming and cheering. To say the least, it really affected me and I couldn’t concentrate. And I actually glared at my juniors =x but well, I guessed if I were them I would scream my heart out too. We were supposed to be the people to save the game. So-called the team’s hope maybe? Well, eventually we won them though it was a tough fight.
Set score 2-2. It’s all up to sherry now. But much doubt was unnecessary as she was HOT! Completely man. Can say she thrashed the girl she was playing with. And so! RVTT won New Town Sec! PLMGS next, jiayou jiayou!
On the way back, told the juniors I really hope they will continue to be united like this because we as seniors never really, you knw, set such a good example la. Hopefully the juniors will understand ad treasure the bond between them now.
Erm okay, so I’m done for the past two days, hope you’re not bored to death already. So today! So many people absent! Kristie, Melvin, Vincent and Yuhong. Which means that my primary source of entertainment is gone. So basically, today Sylvia and I were rather attentive during lessons and just kept doing and doing everything the teacher tells us to. And we entertained ourselves during hook’s lesson! Haha. Only Sylvia will knw what I’m talking about yeah? Lessons were just like lessons and all that. Weekend homework also not really a lot.
1. Language Arts Speech. (I need inspiration! I’m first on Monday. Zzz)
2. Math handout
3. Jian Bao
4. Yue Du Bu Tie
5. Physics Assignment 3 (I still need help with Assignment 2 =x)
6. Chemistry worksheet
7. Module research
Anyway training was abit slack. But I’m still very tired. Pearly and Rousi went and acted the muahchee joke again. Piang, they make good comedians (:
Okay, think it’s really a long entry already. So that’s all. CIP tmr. I’m going to finish the last two episodes of Hana Kimi, which I got stuck at so long because of schoolwork. Tata people!
像海豚依赖海洋…
Wednesday – 21/3/07
Had a change in seating positions! Like finally! && guess what, I’m back to seating with Sylvia again with Vincent and Yuhong behind the two of us! Just like before (: We were one row behind our very first seating arrangements and also in the coldest part of the whole classroom. I got my name written down in the management diary again for physics lesson for not handing in reading and writing article 2. Zzz going to get myself into the beta form soon enough got to stop slacking! But there’s improvement, I’m actually doing homework. Ohwell.
Thursday – 22/3/07
Was match day with New Town Sec. I can only say that we had truly underestimated them, that’s why we had to put up such a tough fight in order to win. Their ‘B’ division is seriously a lot better than the ‘C’ division. Stella was first singles, she lost. But I felt she did not lose n skill, definitely not in skill but she lost in the state of mind. One thing was that jiaolian wasn’t there because he had to go to the primary school zonal match so yangling went instead. And according to Stella, jiaolian was screaming at her down the phone, which affected her a lot.
Peiqi and Shibin went next, thankfully they won their match. Set score 1-1. Zhijun was second singles, and I guess her mood was affected too. She lost her match as well. Set score 2-1. Carmen and my turn. Only one word to describe: Stressed. And I think we had good reason to be stressed too. The game now depended on the two of us. If we lost our match, it’s game over for us and we would have lost to New Town. But, if we won, we still have a set score of 2-2 for Sherry to fight it out with the last singles.
Was really damn stressed, I screwed up a lot in the first match. But after what yangling told us, to just forget about the score and just focus on the game, think I was able to let go abit. Eventually, RV and New Town had a screaming match between each other. Everytime we won a ball, the RV side, juniors, seniors and all would like SCREAMING, and cheering of course. But everytime I see the ball go under the net or fly way off the edge of the table, everytime when my heart drops at this sight, the New Town side would start the screaming and cheering. To say the least, it really affected me and I couldn’t concentrate. And I actually glared at my juniors =x but well, I guessed if I were them I would scream my heart out too. We were supposed to be the people to save the game. So-called the team’s hope maybe? Well, eventually we won them though it was a tough fight.
Set score 2-2. It’s all up to sherry now. But much doubt was unnecessary as she was HOT! Completely man. Can say she thrashed the girl she was playing with. And so! RVTT won New Town Sec! PLMGS next, jiayou jiayou!
On the way back, told the juniors I really hope they will continue to be united like this because we as seniors never really, you knw, set such a good example la. Hopefully the juniors will understand ad treasure the bond between them now.
Erm okay, so I’m done for the past two days, hope you’re not bored to death already. So today! So many people absent! Kristie, Melvin, Vincent and Yuhong. Which means that my primary source of entertainment is gone. So basically, today Sylvia and I were rather attentive during lessons and just kept doing and doing everything the teacher tells us to. And we entertained ourselves during hook’s lesson! Haha. Only Sylvia will knw what I’m talking about yeah? Lessons were just like lessons and all that. Weekend homework also not really a lot.
1. Language Arts Speech. (I need inspiration! I’m first on Monday. Zzz)
2. Math handout
3. Jian Bao
4. Yue Du Bu Tie
5. Physics Assignment 3 (I still need help with Assignment 2 =x)
6. Chemistry worksheet
7. Module research
Anyway training was abit slack. But I’m still very tired. Pearly and Rousi went and acted the muahchee joke again. Piang, they make good comedians (:
Okay, think it’s really a long entry already. So that’s all. CIP tmr. I’m going to finish the last two episodes of Hana Kimi, which I got stuck at so long because of schoolwork. Tata people!
像海豚依赖海洋…
Tuesday, March 20
Freaking pissed. I'm feeling like so freaking tired now and i can't even access my OWN GODDAMN BLOG. Go screw yourself blogger, you suck!
All thanks to that stupid tkc, my whole upper back and biceps and aching like mad to day. All thanks to his inclined training yeah. And made me run in the outermost lane today. Only one in all 34. Wtf is this.
Lost tournament with presbyterian as expected but ohwell. And i still have freaking homework to do when im feeling like dying right now larh. TMD!!! And why don't my mother understand that i have no choice, repeat, NO CHOICE on whether i play tournament or not? I totally have no freaking control over it larh! And my mother is saying as though i even had any freaking right from the start to choose to play or not. She said, 'So much homework still go play tournament.' HELLO. Try and convince me that she isn't bu shuang with my CCA okay. This is so freaking ridiculous! This is a competition! I can't come and go as i please, i need to answer to teachers, coaches, seniors whatever! I can't just walk out if i don't feel like playing right! If you don't understand then why don't you just shut up and let me do what i need to do and GET THE HELL OUT OF THE WAY?
I just feel like scolding some really really vulgar stuff and let loose all my fed up feeling. I'm through with them picking on my CCA okay, im fucking through it. I'm going to crack soon. I simply hate tournament days on any day except friday. By the time i reach home today is like close to 9pm? And im like half dead? YA HOMEWORK INDEED. LIKE I STILL GIVE A DAMN.
I find no way i can ba;ance this two right now. I just find no way, though im sure it's just me. For others, they probably finished ages ago. Module again tmr. Fucked up.
All thanks to that stupid tkc, my whole upper back and biceps and aching like mad to day. All thanks to his inclined training yeah. And made me run in the outermost lane today. Only one in all 34. Wtf is this.
Lost tournament with presbyterian as expected but ohwell. And i still have freaking homework to do when im feeling like dying right now larh. TMD!!! And why don't my mother understand that i have no choice, repeat, NO CHOICE on whether i play tournament or not? I totally have no freaking control over it larh! And my mother is saying as though i even had any freaking right from the start to choose to play or not. She said, 'So much homework still go play tournament.' HELLO. Try and convince me that she isn't bu shuang with my CCA okay. This is so freaking ridiculous! This is a competition! I can't come and go as i please, i need to answer to teachers, coaches, seniors whatever! I can't just walk out if i don't feel like playing right! If you don't understand then why don't you just shut up and let me do what i need to do and GET THE HELL OUT OF THE WAY?
I just feel like scolding some really really vulgar stuff and let loose all my fed up feeling. I'm through with them picking on my CCA okay, im fucking through it. I'm going to crack soon. I simply hate tournament days on any day except friday. By the time i reach home today is like close to 9pm? And im like half dead? YA HOMEWORK INDEED. LIKE I STILL GIVE A DAMN.
I find no way i can ba;ance this two right now. I just find no way, though im sure it's just me. For others, they probably finished ages ago. Module again tmr. Fucked up.
Monday, March 19
Didn't get to update yesterday, was too busy trying to finish up all the holiday assignments which i did not touch at all in the whole span of the holidays but instead left it till the last minute. For myself to have a race against time. I lost, terribly. Aww... Okay larh, wasn't that bad. I managed to finish all my math assignments, including that extensively troublesome constellation exercise. All the fractions and decimals are making me damn frustrated, but i finished it anyway. I didn't complete my history essay question though, so going to hand in tmr morning. Ohwell.
Shall not blog too much about yesterday since it was mainly rushing of holiday assignments in je library with many many seniors. I don't knw why, damn many seniors turned up there yesterday, then me and zhijun seemed like the extras when it was us we reached there and did our homework there first.
Was on the very crowded bus back home...when i suddenly thought of what i was becoming. This very slack person who always doesn't do her homework. And i remembered people telling me 'thought your results in sec 1 very good...', 'then you've practically done nothing!..', 'sometimes you rather AP...', 'why you become more slack than me...' and i really was like, omg, what's happening to me... Zzz i don't want to continue about this...
First day of term 2, one term is over so fast. Well, many things happened in term 1 bah, both good and bad. One bad thing is my results and one good thing...hmm maybe i gained a rather enthusiastic and bonded class 3H? Yeah, so hopefully this new term promises better things and such. My results will hopefully get better and also, hope i would stop being so emo. Although i already said im out of emo phase, but hey, such things can't just change themselves overnight. I still think too much as always...
Today was just like any other day of school. Boring and all. PE was training for napfa test in a few weeks time. Found that my inclined pull-ups deproved by 12 and sit-ups deproved by about 10. Zzz, got to have to train more on my own now. Random, random all the way till music. Ah! Music, yes. Got that teacher again, same as last year. Oh what the hell, i seriously can't stand her stupid sarcasm which she thinks is so damn smart-alecky. Ohwells. Couldn't really give much damn to her. I'm just probably going to fail my music. But then again, who cares.
After school , supposedly stayed back to do my history assignment, but i couldn't concentrate in the class. So i decided to hand it in tmr. Then i went to the hall to watch my juniors train, they are really very funny and cute. And zhijun came and trained with them, and we left soon after peiqi came. Was just telling her about the many stupid things i used to always think about when i was young. But she found it rather amusing. Maybe it's interesting to her bah, but i really think it's kind of some lame thing which i happened to occupy my mind with when i got nothing to do in the past. Haha.
Tournament against presbyterian high tmr. Zzz probably going to get thrashed or something. But still, jiayou to all 'C' and 'B' division girls tmr...
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It really isn't so easy to change my mindset overnight. What has been said really isn't very enough. Has everything changed? I find that i have nothing to talk to you about now and im unable to initiate conversations like the past. And i hate it. I really hate this. I want to be able to be like last time, to be able to talk any kind of random rubbish with you, important or not. But it's so different now, i seem to sub-consciously carefully pick what i want to say because there seemed to be an unseen border over what can be said, and what should be left unspoken. Maybe because a definite answer had been given, the answer which i don't want to accept. I'm just afraid that it would become one-sided. I want it back, i want everything back. Because i hate this change.
P.S. To people who have no clue about the parts like above in my blog posts, would you people mind NOT to anyhow infer like a stupid noob because it probably isn't like what you're thinking. If you're wondering whether i broke up with my stead or something, then i can just tell you that i didn't and never even had a stead to start with. So shut it up already.
Shall not blog too much about yesterday since it was mainly rushing of holiday assignments in je library with many many seniors. I don't knw why, damn many seniors turned up there yesterday, then me and zhijun seemed like the extras when it was us we reached there and did our homework there first.
Was on the very crowded bus back home...when i suddenly thought of what i was becoming. This very slack person who always doesn't do her homework. And i remembered people telling me 'thought your results in sec 1 very good...', 'then you've practically done nothing!..', 'sometimes you rather AP...', 'why you become more slack than me...' and i really was like, omg, what's happening to me... Zzz i don't want to continue about this...
First day of term 2, one term is over so fast. Well, many things happened in term 1 bah, both good and bad. One bad thing is my results and one good thing...hmm maybe i gained a rather enthusiastic and bonded class 3H? Yeah, so hopefully this new term promises better things and such. My results will hopefully get better and also, hope i would stop being so emo. Although i already said im out of emo phase, but hey, such things can't just change themselves overnight. I still think too much as always...
Today was just like any other day of school. Boring and all. PE was training for napfa test in a few weeks time. Found that my inclined pull-ups deproved by 12 and sit-ups deproved by about 10. Zzz, got to have to train more on my own now. Random, random all the way till music. Ah! Music, yes. Got that teacher again, same as last year. Oh what the hell, i seriously can't stand her stupid sarcasm which she thinks is so damn smart-alecky. Ohwells. Couldn't really give much damn to her. I'm just probably going to fail my music. But then again, who cares.
After school , supposedly stayed back to do my history assignment, but i couldn't concentrate in the class. So i decided to hand it in tmr. Then i went to the hall to watch my juniors train, they are really very funny and cute. And zhijun came and trained with them, and we left soon after peiqi came. Was just telling her about the many stupid things i used to always think about when i was young. But she found it rather amusing. Maybe it's interesting to her bah, but i really think it's kind of some lame thing which i happened to occupy my mind with when i got nothing to do in the past. Haha.
Tournament against presbyterian high tmr. Zzz probably going to get thrashed or something. But still, jiayou to all 'C' and 'B' division girls tmr...
----
It really isn't so easy to change my mindset overnight. What has been said really isn't very enough. Has everything changed? I find that i have nothing to talk to you about now and im unable to initiate conversations like the past. And i hate it. I really hate this. I want to be able to be like last time, to be able to talk any kind of random rubbish with you, important or not. But it's so different now, i seem to sub-consciously carefully pick what i want to say because there seemed to be an unseen border over what can be said, and what should be left unspoken. Maybe because a definite answer had been given, the answer which i don't want to accept. I'm just afraid that it would become one-sided. I want it back, i want everything back. Because i hate this change.
P.S. To people who have no clue about the parts like above in my blog posts, would you people mind NOT to anyhow infer like a stupid noob because it probably isn't like what you're thinking. If you're wondering whether i broke up with my stead or something, then i can just tell you that i didn't and never even had a stead to start with. So shut it up already.
Saturday, March 17
Didn't go for CIP today, was kinda tired because i slept very late last night. I actually forgot to set my alarm to 7am, but miraculously, i woke up at 7am. I was so very very tired to drag myself out of bed, i sent a message to yanyi that i won't be going to CIP. And then i dropped back down to sleep =x Then i next woke up at like 11am.
Went out with zhijun to do my homework. Did abit only bah. Got stuck at math for damn long. Zzz, feel so bored. Think we spent more time on eating than on doing. Argh. I don't knw why but i really have no mood for homework at all. The mere thought of it turns me off, it was never this bad before. This is bad...very bad. Getting more and more slack.
Then went back home and went out again for dinner. Been so long since we went out for dinner. But my brother didn't join. That same old anti-socialness. On our way to the place we're having dinner, my parents started talking about me in the car as if i wasn't there. M stands for mother and F stands for father. B stands for brother. S stand for me.
F: B will attend university same year as S after he completes National Service.
M: Are you sure S can make it to the university? She came back with an F9 in her math.
F: That is not my problem, i have the money to let her study, it is her problem whether she have the capability to do so or not. Talking about tuition, still fail.
M: Oh ya, tuition. What happened to your tuition?
S: QUITTED because you didn't let me continue if i failed.
F: You see you see, tuition got what use, she still got an F9. She don't even care about her own future, she doesn't put any effort into her studies at all.
M: Nono, i think she places too much focus in her CCA.
F: What's the use of her CCA? Help her earn millions when she grow up? I should have sent her to Sports School. She can forget about going to university with a failure grade in math.
And i just don't see why. Them talking about me like im not there, while im seated in the car's backseat like a stupid dog, pretending like i can't hear or don't understand what they are talking about. Pretending like it doesn't hurt to hear them saying that of me. Pretending like i don't give a damn at all.
Suddenly i remembered what zhijun told me today. To work towards what i want, to work towards a scholarship for overseas studying because i don't want to study here. And after what they said, i think maybe i don't really care anymore. Maybe i shouldn't bother to try so hard because all they see is me putting efforts in my CCA. Fine, im not going to make it to university. And it'll be all because of them.
I knw i failed my math this time, and by saying that im not the lowest in class, it would only be self consolation. I shouldn't be aiming to not be the last in class only, i should have higher aims. But what about my history? I got an A1! But nobody seems to care. My mother can tell me that history is of no use, fine. I got an A2 for phyics too, is this not important as well? Everything you people see is me slacking and going for trainings. You people always think trainings are the only thing affecting me. You people always pretend like you understand when you knw nuts about everything. I'm just so fcking sick of it.
I'm forever the one they criticise till like i have no good in me. From the start till the end, i have nothing about me worth mentoning. I'm that hopeless loser. But it just so happens that you both have got to live with me sticking around, who ask you'd have a hopeless loser for a daughter.
Went out with zhijun to do my homework. Did abit only bah. Got stuck at math for damn long. Zzz, feel so bored. Think we spent more time on eating than on doing. Argh. I don't knw why but i really have no mood for homework at all. The mere thought of it turns me off, it was never this bad before. This is bad...very bad. Getting more and more slack.
Then went back home and went out again for dinner. Been so long since we went out for dinner. But my brother didn't join. That same old anti-socialness. On our way to the place we're having dinner, my parents started talking about me in the car as if i wasn't there. M stands for mother and F stands for father. B stands for brother. S stand for me.
F: B will attend university same year as S after he completes National Service.
M: Are you sure S can make it to the university? She came back with an F9 in her math.
F: That is not my problem, i have the money to let her study, it is her problem whether she have the capability to do so or not. Talking about tuition, still fail.
M: Oh ya, tuition. What happened to your tuition?
S: QUITTED because you didn't let me continue if i failed.
F: You see you see, tuition got what use, she still got an F9. She don't even care about her own future, she doesn't put any effort into her studies at all.
M: Nono, i think she places too much focus in her CCA.
F: What's the use of her CCA? Help her earn millions when she grow up? I should have sent her to Sports School. She can forget about going to university with a failure grade in math.
And i just don't see why. Them talking about me like im not there, while im seated in the car's backseat like a stupid dog, pretending like i can't hear or don't understand what they are talking about. Pretending like it doesn't hurt to hear them saying that of me. Pretending like i don't give a damn at all.
Suddenly i remembered what zhijun told me today. To work towards what i want, to work towards a scholarship for overseas studying because i don't want to study here. And after what they said, i think maybe i don't really care anymore. Maybe i shouldn't bother to try so hard because all they see is me putting efforts in my CCA. Fine, im not going to make it to university. And it'll be all because of them.
I knw i failed my math this time, and by saying that im not the lowest in class, it would only be self consolation. I shouldn't be aiming to not be the last in class only, i should have higher aims. But what about my history? I got an A1! But nobody seems to care. My mother can tell me that history is of no use, fine. I got an A2 for phyics too, is this not important as well? Everything you people see is me slacking and going for trainings. You people always think trainings are the only thing affecting me. You people always pretend like you understand when you knw nuts about everything. I'm just so fcking sick of it.
I'm forever the one they criticise till like i have no good in me. From the start till the end, i have nothing about me worth mentoning. I'm that hopeless loser. But it just so happens that you both have got to live with me sticking around, who ask you'd have a hopeless loser for a daughter.
Friday, March 16
Went for class leaders' workshop early in the morning today. Half asleep, one-quarter dazed, one-quarter feeling very happy (: Don't ask me why, it's to an unknown cause.
Met yvonne in the canteen then went to LT2 with peiqi. Split into groups, then told to move to LT3 to join the year 1s and 2s due to lack of people. So many people pon lorh, including melvin. Then regrouped with the year 1s and 2s. Kaijun was in my group! xD And we were outcasted in the group, because the two of us just became anti-social and isolated ourselves from the rest of the group and we talked and played on our own. Haha.
Then supposed to put up this stupid skit. Zzz i hate skits larh. Then boh bian, due to limited time, i anyhow impromtu some rubbish. Haha and kept suaning peiqi =x Should say this year de still not as bad as i had expected. But i still think last year's was more fun and interactive. Probably because it's in a small group. Ended 4 hours later but didn't feel as long, thank god. Then went out to eat macs with peiqi and kaijun then went back school for training.
Training was okay bah. As usual, half slack and half hiong. I feel like sleeping halfway through. Ohwell. And i seriously think my knees let jiao lian train until...don't knw what larh. Damn pain. Zzz. Finally played my doubles again after so long against peiqi and shibin. And me and carmen won =D Haha okay, think it was a tyco. LOL.
I was like being so crazy during training today larh. Kept going crazy. Good mood. Just ask the people. Today everyone's damn high because peiqi's finally back! LOL
Towards the end of the training, went outside and slacked with sherry and bunch of people. And she kept wanting me to sing But honestly my singing now is so weird. So i didn't sing. Much. After a while it's the end of training and we all went to jec for ice kachang again! Whee (:
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Now i understand and truely realise that i can still be happy, although there isn't much of a difference now and then. The feeling is half of happy, and half of unhappy. But the happy part overrules the unhappy part. Why? Because i choose to think only about the happy part and not the unhappy part. This emo-ing, i can leave it till the end. Maybe you call this self-deceiving, deluding, whatever. What matter is that im happy now. And that's the most important of all. (:
Met yvonne in the canteen then went to LT2 with peiqi. Split into groups, then told to move to LT3 to join the year 1s and 2s due to lack of people. So many people pon lorh, including melvin. Then regrouped with the year 1s and 2s. Kaijun was in my group! xD And we were outcasted in the group, because the two of us just became anti-social and isolated ourselves from the rest of the group and we talked and played on our own. Haha.
Then supposed to put up this stupid skit. Zzz i hate skits larh. Then boh bian, due to limited time, i anyhow impromtu some rubbish. Haha and kept suaning peiqi =x Should say this year de still not as bad as i had expected. But i still think last year's was more fun and interactive. Probably because it's in a small group. Ended 4 hours later but didn't feel as long, thank god. Then went out to eat macs with peiqi and kaijun then went back school for training.
Training was okay bah. As usual, half slack and half hiong. I feel like sleeping halfway through. Ohwell. And i seriously think my knees let jiao lian train until...don't knw what larh. Damn pain. Zzz. Finally played my doubles again after so long against peiqi and shibin. And me and carmen won =D Haha okay, think it was a tyco. LOL.
I was like being so crazy during training today larh. Kept going crazy. Good mood. Just ask the people. Today everyone's damn high because peiqi's finally back! LOL
Towards the end of the training, went outside and slacked with sherry and bunch of people. And she kept wanting me to sing But honestly my singing now is so weird. So i didn't sing. Much. After a while it's the end of training and we all went to jec for ice kachang again! Whee (:
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Now i understand and truely realise that i can still be happy, although there isn't much of a difference now and then. The feeling is half of happy, and half of unhappy. But the happy part overrules the unhappy part. Why? Because i choose to think only about the happy part and not the unhappy part. This emo-ing, i can leave it till the end. Maybe you call this self-deceiving, deluding, whatever. What matter is that im happy now. And that's the most important of all. (:
Thursday, March 15
HAPPY BIRTHDAY ARIEL & YIJUN!
Ahh today is a very happy day! (: Okay random talk larh. But nvm.
Training today was like crazily hiong and stuff. Was actually feeling like dying halfway. Then towards the end the pest control came again and we had to evacuate from the chapel. Then me and zhijun went to hall to play until training ended.
Then me, zhijun, shibin and zhixuan went to jec for uh...dessert? LOL then we went library, shibin went home. And i done about, uh 2 questions of math =x Ahh i still got so much left to do! Definitely cannot finish all by the end of holidays. Argh. There's still training tmr then probably going to watch Primeval with zhijun. I want to watch it because according to sylvia, it's bloody. Okay, im a freaking sadistic kia. Heh.
Then while i was walking at snail speed back home, exhusted from training, i received an sms from zhijun! Then i practically flew back home and got the freaking comp from my brother. Zzz important thing.
Okay, that's the end. & today is a very happy day! (:
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Okay. I'm also kinda sick of myself being so emo. It's the END OF EMO PHASE! Sinyee is going to be a happy girl from now on. I'm not running the emo business anymore. I'm going to be happy. I promise...
Ahh today is a very happy day! (: Okay random talk larh. But nvm.
Training today was like crazily hiong and stuff. Was actually feeling like dying halfway. Then towards the end the pest control came again and we had to evacuate from the chapel. Then me and zhijun went to hall to play until training ended.
Then me, zhijun, shibin and zhixuan went to jec for uh...dessert? LOL then we went library, shibin went home. And i done about, uh 2 questions of math =x Ahh i still got so much left to do! Definitely cannot finish all by the end of holidays. Argh. There's still training tmr then probably going to watch Primeval with zhijun. I want to watch it because according to sylvia, it's bloody. Okay, im a freaking sadistic kia. Heh.
Then while i was walking at snail speed back home, exhusted from training, i received an sms from zhijun! Then i practically flew back home and got the freaking comp from my brother. Zzz important thing.
Okay, that's the end. & today is a very happy day! (:
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Okay. I'm also kinda sick of myself being so emo. It's the END OF EMO PHASE! Sinyee is going to be a happy girl from now on. I'm not running the emo business anymore. I'm going to be happy. I promise...
Wednesday, March 14
Oh freak. I haven't done a single piece of homework. Wasted all my time watching hana kimi on youtube =x Ohwell. Got too much distractions going around, everytime i sit down at my desk, i'll just start reading my book and don't stop until i go watch hana kimi again. Ahhh crap.
Didn't go out today at all, because my mother didn't allow me to. Ahh is this like the first time she don't let me go out larh. Ohwell, but not as if i had done anything productive since i woke up till now anyway. Zzz got to have to go do my math some time later. And everything else left. Which is like practically everything. Argh.
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I can't stand your irresponsibility anymore. You didn't even bother to check with any one of us before you went off. You didn't even have the responsibility to tell anyone of us that you won't be going. And you still got the cheek to only check with me today? What day is it today uh? Wednesday. Not like you don't knw we have trainings on tuesdays. Nice one uh? Yes, you can say you were not here, so you didn't knw what the 'tmr' in that sms meant. But hello, it's not a NEWSFLASH thing that the school gives us a training schedule. You mean that is not for you to check the days for training? Then what is it used for, may i ask? You mean it's for you to eat uh? You mean it's for you to take out and play when you're bored uh? You mean the school gave it to us for you to chuck it into your bag without looking at it uh? Then i think you've got some reflections to do la right.
It isn't even in your priority right. Correct me if im wrong, but i think you don't even give this a damn.
Don't think that being capable once makes you capable always. If you don't work for your name then nothing's gonna come your way. And i won't be surprised. Not at all.
Stop thinking that you're darn great. Those days are over. You haven't proven yourself that you can do impt things. So forget about it. And don't you dare talk about respnsibility to me.
Talk about irresponsibility. You don't have the freaking right to speak of it.
&you knw that im pissed off with you. So the rest can just shut up if you've got nothing to do with it.
Didn't go out today at all, because my mother didn't allow me to. Ahh is this like the first time she don't let me go out larh. Ohwell, but not as if i had done anything productive since i woke up till now anyway. Zzz got to have to go do my math some time later. And everything else left. Which is like practically everything. Argh.
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I can't stand your irresponsibility anymore. You didn't even bother to check with any one of us before you went off. You didn't even have the responsibility to tell anyone of us that you won't be going. And you still got the cheek to only check with me today? What day is it today uh? Wednesday. Not like you don't knw we have trainings on tuesdays. Nice one uh? Yes, you can say you were not here, so you didn't knw what the 'tmr' in that sms meant. But hello, it's not a NEWSFLASH thing that the school gives us a training schedule. You mean that is not for you to check the days for training? Then what is it used for, may i ask? You mean it's for you to eat uh? You mean it's for you to take out and play when you're bored uh? You mean the school gave it to us for you to chuck it into your bag without looking at it uh? Then i think you've got some reflections to do la right.
It isn't even in your priority right. Correct me if im wrong, but i think you don't even give this a damn.
Don't think that being capable once makes you capable always. If you don't work for your name then nothing's gonna come your way. And i won't be surprised. Not at all.
Stop thinking that you're darn great. Those days are over. You haven't proven yourself that you can do impt things. So forget about it. And don't you dare talk about respnsibility to me.
Talk about irresponsibility. You don't have the freaking right to speak of it.
&you knw that im pissed off with you. So the rest can just shut up if you've got nothing to do with it.
Tuesday, March 13
Went for drama lesson today, was super pissed off by that teacher. Due to unpreparedness, and the absence to yufan, we did not want to present but claimed that the script was with yufan and that he played the lead role in the play. But he didn’t allow us to forego our assessment today but told us to come out with a new script and rehearse everything all over again. I was really super pissed off, how the hell was it possible to chiong everything out in such a short time?! But looks like we still managed to go up there and present some rubbish about 3H’s everyday life. Rather interesting, I would say.
After drama, went to harbourfront Macs with sharman and xinyu. See xinyu eat fries so damn xinku because of her new braces, I also don’t want to put braces already. Was late for training for like half an hour. But by the time I reached, I was already so damn tired and jiao lian still want me to train kai qiu. Zzz. Then damn tired. Went outside and talked with zhijun and sherry about…a lot of things. Ohwell. Then went back in to train because shibin tell us don’t slack. Haha.
After training went to jec with sherry and zhijun for uh, dessert? Lols. And that two -.- got like everything out of me. Zzz what the hell man. Ohwell then we went to the library when it was raining like crazy and I walked in the rain back home today. After so long. But then it was seriously very cold. Lols.
They made me think back on all those times again. When was the last time I talked to you? As in, real interactive, responsive and whatever kind of talk. Not hat I’m doing now. All I knw is that I can be reassured about that one thing…which hopefully I did not assume again on my part.
时间，只能证明爱的深浅，只能让你不断的体会迷宫的路有多长，多远。而却不是像你所说的，会把爱深深真的忘记， 把痛一点一点抹去。
因为喜欢与爱永远不一样，所以我们终究还是没有那个机会。
海阔天空，我要幸福。
After drama, went to harbourfront Macs with sharman and xinyu. See xinyu eat fries so damn xinku because of her new braces, I also don’t want to put braces already. Was late for training for like half an hour. But by the time I reached, I was already so damn tired and jiao lian still want me to train kai qiu. Zzz. Then damn tired. Went outside and talked with zhijun and sherry about…a lot of things. Ohwell. Then went back in to train because shibin tell us don’t slack. Haha.
After training went to jec with sherry and zhijun for uh, dessert? Lols. And that two -.- got like everything out of me. Zzz what the hell man. Ohwell then we went to the library when it was raining like crazy and I walked in the rain back home today. After so long. But then it was seriously very cold. Lols.
They made me think back on all those times again. When was the last time I talked to you? As in, real interactive, responsive and whatever kind of talk. Not hat I’m doing now. All I knw is that I can be reassured about that one thing…which hopefully I did not assume again on my part.
时间，只能证明爱的深浅，只能让你不断的体会迷宫的路有多长，多远。而却不是像你所说的，会把爱深深真的忘记， 把痛一点一点抹去。
因为喜欢与爱永远不一样，所以我们终究还是没有那个机会。
海阔天空，我要幸福。
Monday, March 12
Went out with Josephine today. I know, I also feel bad that I bailed out drama meeting to go out. But the thing is that I had already given my word and I don’t want to go back on it, because we haven’t went out for so long. Anyway, not the whole group turned up. But still, I’m sorry…
Met her at bugis first then went to eat lunch. Did some catching up over lunch. Man, it’s been so long since I went out with her and shared our problems and stuff. Perhaps I can say that over the past few weeks that we have given up our weekly Thursday lunches for our various commitments, many changes took place and needs to be updated about. It feels good to have someone listening again…after so long….
Went into many shops and saw many nice things to buy, but just can’t make up my mind. After a while, we left for orchard. Bought a pure milk tee and skirt there. Like it lots, even my mother thinks they’re nice. Then after much consideration, we went back to bugis to buy that M-industrie top I saw. We went tiong there to eat Macs and saw Melvin. Haha she also thinks he looks funny in the uniform =x Then I went back to JP and bought that unique cow keychain I’ve seen for so long. Why is it unique? It has one white leg and one black leg! Haha. Bought quite a lot of things today. Though I’m low on cash. But all those pay by card =x Heh.
The book that I borrowed yesterday was damn nice. Not wrong to decide to look for it in the library. Probably going to return there for more books. Whee. I sound like a nerd. But not really, considering I haven’t touched any of the holiday homework apart from math. And there’s retarded drama lesson tmr. A full 2 hours long. Imagine! Even in the holidays I have to see that Miss Red! Pure misery and torture. At least now I still have a Wednesday free. And I can’t believe that I actually forgot there is training tmr for a while.
----
Already missed two weeks of it. Is it really that different without you around? Even my seeming habit can go out of place. Is that even a habit, or just something which I did for you…turned into a habit. Like what she says too, all I need is a definite answer. But definite answers crush all doubts, suspicions, delusions and such. If the answer is not the way I want it, I can only face it and move on. Maybe it would be better to remain this way, but I find that second-guessing is so very tiring. All I want to do is to believe. To have that faith which had never gone away. To be assured that all of this would be worth at the end of the day. To know, you have never really left me.
Well, some might think. What is the difference with our without you? I still laugh at stupid jokes, I still cry when I’m down. I find that my laughing might not necessarily imply that I’m happy, or when I feel sad it is about anything else but you. It all feels empty, if you even know what that means. If I, myself, can even fathom what it means. This made me a mentally weaker person, though I’d hate to admit. I just hate myself so much to be in such ridiculously pathetic self-pitying state. This is not me and I know it, you know it. I just can’t run or hide anymore. From the fact that I miss you... 现在我的幽默 是掩饰着心痛 我的难过
要忘记一个你深爱的人， 或许， 只能靠着时间， 和另一个爱你的人。
也许， 时间只能证明爱的深浅，
也许， 爱你的人只能默默的， 在你身边，
听着， 守着， 存在着，
也或许， 过了一段阴暗无光， 也无星子也无月的夜，
天亮之后， 海阔天空， 我们都会幸福。
Met her at bugis first then went to eat lunch. Did some catching up over lunch. Man, it’s been so long since I went out with her and shared our problems and stuff. Perhaps I can say that over the past few weeks that we have given up our weekly Thursday lunches for our various commitments, many changes took place and needs to be updated about. It feels good to have someone listening again…after so long….
Went into many shops and saw many nice things to buy, but just can’t make up my mind. After a while, we left for orchard. Bought a pure milk tee and skirt there. Like it lots, even my mother thinks they’re nice. Then after much consideration, we went back to bugis to buy that M-industrie top I saw. We went tiong there to eat Macs and saw Melvin. Haha she also thinks he looks funny in the uniform =x Then I went back to JP and bought that unique cow keychain I’ve seen for so long. Why is it unique? It has one white leg and one black leg! Haha. Bought quite a lot of things today. Though I’m low on cash. But all those pay by card =x Heh.
The book that I borrowed yesterday was damn nice. Not wrong to decide to look for it in the library. Probably going to return there for more books. Whee. I sound like a nerd. But not really, considering I haven’t touched any of the holiday homework apart from math. And there’s retarded drama lesson tmr. A full 2 hours long. Imagine! Even in the holidays I have to see that Miss Red! Pure misery and torture. At least now I still have a Wednesday free. And I can’t believe that I actually forgot there is training tmr for a while.
----
Already missed two weeks of it. Is it really that different without you around? Even my seeming habit can go out of place. Is that even a habit, or just something which I did for you…turned into a habit. Like what she says too, all I need is a definite answer. But definite answers crush all doubts, suspicions, delusions and such. If the answer is not the way I want it, I can only face it and move on. Maybe it would be better to remain this way, but I find that second-guessing is so very tiring. All I want to do is to believe. To have that faith which had never gone away. To be assured that all of this would be worth at the end of the day. To know, you have never really left me.
Well, some might think. What is the difference with our without you? I still laugh at stupid jokes, I still cry when I’m down. I find that my laughing might not necessarily imply that I’m happy, or when I feel sad it is about anything else but you. It all feels empty, if you even know what that means. If I, myself, can even fathom what it means. This made me a mentally weaker person, though I’d hate to admit. I just hate myself so much to be in such ridiculously pathetic self-pitying state. This is not me and I know it, you know it. I just can’t run or hide anymore. From the fact that I miss you... 现在我的幽默 是掩饰着心痛 我的难过
要忘记一个你深爱的人， 或许， 只能靠着时间， 和另一个爱你的人。
也许， 时间只能证明爱的深浅，
也许， 爱你的人只能默默的， 在你身边，
听着， 守着， 存在着，
也或许， 过了一段阴暗无光， 也无星子也无月的夜，
天亮之后， 海阔天空， 我们都会幸福。
Replies to tags:
Sylvia> Yeah larh, i still thought she's a nice person k. I was just doing my physics because the wrapping was finishing up. Then she started screaming at me and yanyi infront of the whole crowd and also Ms Chia and Mr Tan. Said that we scamming CIP hours. Come on larh, i year 3 got 64 hours already, still need to scam what sai? Worse thing is, now probably Ms Chia and Mr Tan feels angry about it or something larh. Bloody hell. Grr. Thinking about her makes my blood boil.
Xuanwei> But it would be counted like this in the 'A' levels. So still have to pia abit bah. Your percentage higher than me leh. Haha jiayou too k (:
Xinyu> Zzz, but that librarian really sibei guo fen larhs. Kaoz. I try not to be so emo larh okay. Heh. xD
Going out with Josephine tmr! Haha so damn excited about it. Haven't gone out with her for so long man. Going to buy myself manymany prettayyy things tmr (:
Nothing much today bah. Spammed my sms interviewing people for my article which is overdue. Chiong it for a rather long time before i went to the library to return my one week overdue book =x And to look for that book which i read abit in malaysia at my cousin's house. Didn't really think i could find it anyway. But after sifting through the books in the manymany shelves from A, i finally found that book in the 'T' section. Waah. Finally.
Didn't touch my homework. Feel so inferior when i read sylvia's blog. Somemore going out tmr =x Arghh im nv going to finish my homework in this state man.
Ohwells got nth much to blog. Off to watch hana kimi! (:
Sylvia> Yeah larh, i still thought she's a nice person k. I was just doing my physics because the wrapping was finishing up. Then she started screaming at me and yanyi infront of the whole crowd and also Ms Chia and Mr Tan. Said that we scamming CIP hours. Come on larh, i year 3 got 64 hours already, still need to scam what sai? Worse thing is, now probably Ms Chia and Mr Tan feels angry about it or something larh. Bloody hell. Grr. Thinking about her makes my blood boil.
Xuanwei> But it would be counted like this in the 'A' levels. So still have to pia abit bah. Your percentage higher than me leh. Haha jiayou too k (:
Xinyu> Zzz, but that librarian really sibei guo fen larhs. Kaoz. I try not to be so emo larh okay. Heh. xD
Going out with Josephine tmr! Haha so damn excited about it. Haven't gone out with her for so long man. Going to buy myself manymany prettayyy things tmr (:
Nothing much today bah. Spammed my sms interviewing people for my article which is overdue. Chiong it for a rather long time before i went to the library to return my one week overdue book =x And to look for that book which i read abit in malaysia at my cousin's house. Didn't really think i could find it anyway. But after sifting through the books in the manymany shelves from A, i finally found that book in the 'T' section. Waah. Finally.
Didn't touch my homework. Feel so inferior when i read sylvia's blog. Somemore going out tmr =x Arghh im nv going to finish my homework in this state man.
Ohwells got nth much to blog. Off to watch hana kimi! (:
Saturday, March 10
Did CIP today. Very few people turned up, partly because of the UG camp i suppose. And i feel like killing vincent for making me buy strepsils for him then in the end he doesn't want it! Grr waste my money. Finished our wrapping of th fiction section today. Pissed off by that #^$%&*!@ teacher. What's the big deal about this CIP hours larh, take them away for all i care, not like i desperate for any.
Left CIP early because somebody didn't allow me to stay and claimed that im disrupting the people shelving. Yeah right. So i went to harbourfront with juniors to eat some new york pizza. Then left to meet shibin at je for training. Training was nothing much, as usual. And im very tired now.
Feel so sian diao at the thought of homework.
Left CIP early because somebody didn't allow me to stay and claimed that im disrupting the people shelving. Yeah right. So i went to harbourfront with juniors to eat some new york pizza. Then left to meet shibin at je for training. Training was nothing much, as usual. And im very tired now.
Feel so sian diao at the thought of homework.
Today is officially the last day of Term 1 ! Notice i didn't say it's the start of the March holidays because this cannot be called a holiday at all. The only difference should only be that we don't have to wake up as early to go to school, though after all i'll still have to return to school about 5 out of the 9 days of holiday. Homework load would be even more than a normal schooling week put together. Great. I just LOVE RV sooooooo much.
As if we'll even be staying at home like HALF the time to finish those homework. Do they realise there's only 24 hours in a day? Do they even know we're supposed to go back to school for cca for at least 3 out of the 5 working days? Do they think we only study ONE subject? This is ridiculous! What the hell are holidays meant for man. It defeats every purpose of itself in the first place! And the cheek of them to always say 'Enjoy your Holidays' at the end of their long list of homework. It contradicts itself to the maximum and deserves a failing grade. Yeah, you mean 'Enjoy what's left of your holidays, if you even have any left.'
Start of the day, the day was ruined by a certain 'very nice' teacher. Whom i suspect simply have got nothing better to do during her lesson but bark at us to clean up our classroom as if she's our form teacher. And gave us some lecture. And asked me whether my house also in this kind of state. Try and convince me she isn't picking on me okay, don't knw for the how many times liao. And i said yes it is. Although it's not. Why? She got a problem with it uh? Kaobei so much for what. Then came and said 'i don't want to continue this because this is what your form teacher should do.' YA SO WHY BOTHER IN THE FIRST PLACE? JUST BLOODY TEACH YOUR LESSON AND GET LOST LA. People never make announcement then you never complain, the moment people make announcement, you act like you are so bloody concerned about our class cleanliness. Still dare say it's not because of the announcement. Ya, im sure, i believe you man. Nice try la. Only she got the most complaints about us liao la. Nothing better to do man really.
As if we'll even be staying at home like HALF the time to finish those homework. Do they realise there's only 24 hours in a day? Do they even know we're supposed to go back to school for cca for at least 3 out of the 5 working days? Do they think we only study ONE subject? This is ridiculous! What the hell are holidays meant for man. It defeats every purpose of itself in the first place! And the cheek of them to always say 'Enjoy your Holidays' at the end of their long list of homework. It contradicts itself to the maximum and deserves a failing grade. Yeah, you mean 'Enjoy what's left of your holidays, if you even have any left.'
Start of the day, the day was ruined by a certain 'very nice' teacher. Whom i suspect simply have got nothing better to do during her lesson but bark at us to clean up our classroom as if she's our form teacher. And gave us some lecture. And asked me whether my house also in this kind of state. Try and convince me she isn't picking on me okay, don't knw for the how many times liao. And i said yes it is. Although it's not. Why? She got a problem with it uh? Kaobei so much for what. Then came and said 'i don't want to continue this because this is what your form teacher should do.' YA SO WHY BOTHER IN THE FIRST PLACE? JUST BLOODY TEACH YOUR LESSON AND GET LOST LA. People never make announcement then you never complain, the moment people make announcement, you act like you are so bloody concerned about our class cleanliness. Still dare say it's not because of the announcement. Ya, im sure, i believe you man. Nice try la. Only she got the most complaints about us liao la. Nothing better to do man really.
Thursday, March 8
Got back my progress report, couldn't say im exactly satisfied with the results, but i thought they were just okayyy. Just the standard failure grade in math and stuff. Got some targets for the next term, hopefully will be able to achieve. L1R5 improvement to 12 (currently 18), GPA improvement to 3 (currently 2.6), and overall percentage improvement to 69% (currently 64%). Really hope i can push myself to meet this target. Which is not actually alot, it's pinpointing my math and chinese grades for improvement..
Was rather tired in school today. Actually slept in chinese lesson. And was doing math in physics lesson. Math remedial ended in about 30min because i finished the questions fast and got them all correct! (:
Okay im tired and want to sleep now. Zzz. Getting the ugly medals infront of the whole school assembly tmr morning. Rahh. & lots of math holiday assignments! Arghh.
If it makes you a happier person to just forget about it, forget about everything and just move on. At least now i knw that you'll be happy.
Was rather tired in school today. Actually slept in chinese lesson. And was doing math in physics lesson. Math remedial ended in about 30min because i finished the questions fast and got them all correct! (:
Okay im tired and want to sleep now. Zzz. Getting the ugly medals infront of the whole school assembly tmr morning. Rahh. & lots of math holiday assignments! Arghh.
If it makes you a happier person to just forget about it, forget about everything and just move on. At least now i knw that you'll be happy.
Wednesday, March 7
Sometimes blog surfing can be really bad, emotionally. I conclude that im bad at expressing myself.
I don't knw whether what you've said is true because it differs from what others have recounted. But well, i could have just been too paranoid or thought too much. What i really knw, really certain is that it would most definitely not be the same anymore. I do not think time fades. And it hurts me just to think we've lost it all so easily, not a long long time after, not anything, but just like that. It just hurts me so much to knw that it's never going to be the same again. That now, im already nothing to you. Time played no part but just broke us apart, never had a chance to even try...
When i had always had you here but never treasured till the end. When i took it for granted that you'll always be around. When i had thought everything would stay this way for ever and ever. When the sadness reigns, i have no choice but to give in to the weakest of human emotions. Somehow though everything tells me otherwise, i still can't bear to, and won't want to, stop even a day in waiting.
'Well, even if the whole world misunderstands you and turns their backs on you, i am still here, and always will be....'
I don't knw whether what you've said is true because it differs from what others have recounted. But well, i could have just been too paranoid or thought too much. What i really knw, really certain is that it would most definitely not be the same anymore. I do not think time fades. And it hurts me just to think we've lost it all so easily, not a long long time after, not anything, but just like that. It just hurts me so much to knw that it's never going to be the same again. That now, im already nothing to you. Time played no part but just broke us apart, never had a chance to even try...
When i had always had you here but never treasured till the end. When i took it for granted that you'll always be around. When i had thought everything would stay this way for ever and ever. When the sadness reigns, i have no choice but to give in to the weakest of human emotions. Somehow though everything tells me otherwise, i still can't bear to, and won't want to, stop even a day in waiting.
'Well, even if the whole world misunderstands you and turns their backs on you, i am still here, and always will be....'
So i really did chuck my homework and aside and went to sleep last night. The good thing is, nobody collected any of the homework which i did not do. And i managed to wake up at 4.30am today to finish my remaining 1 and a half qing nian wen zhai which was to be handed up today. Finished it up in school though.
Lessons were rather lag today as well. Zzz, i hate practical lessons. They are like damn boring and gohsm always makes us finish it today, so sometimes i have to stay back after module to complete it. Rahh. Mr liu released us late for break again today. I hate wednesdays too. The canteen is like always freaking packed with people. And by the time i get my food, time's up.
Done SEL assessment today. Realised i got alot of developing and no exceeding =x Ohwell. And i assessed sylvia for very long, haha too serious le. But of course must be serious right, i must give her a grade which she rightfully deserve, which the bulk is in meeting. Haha. Then checked results. Got really very lousy. Zzz. Only 1 A1, 4 B3s, 1 C6 and 1 F9. L1R5: 19. GPA: 2.5
Danger Zone. Going to die soon if this rubbish continues. But the worse thing is, can you believe that C6 is actually my chinese? Freak that AGH la. And the F9 is obviously math. Hardly suprising. 33 marks sia. History 2nd in level but ohwell~ Can't help much. Overall percentage is only 64.1% Argghh.
Don't even dare to tell her that i really will try my best to catch up. This time, i didn't give it my all. Probably only 40-60%.
Module passed very fast today. We watched The Patriot for the last hour. Was rather touching bah, some parts. And i went home alone. Zzz. Then while i was at JE mrt station, the train arrived at the centre platform and ppl started coming into the train heading towards boonlay. Then suddenly there was this swiss cottage guy who walked in and waved and said 'Hello? You knw me right? You from Xingnan table tennis right?' Was thinking this person looks extremely like who i thought he is, but unsure of it so i just nodded my head. After that while waiting in the queue for 242, i asked Are you Chen Chang Feng? And he said yes. Haha MY JUNIOR! Lols, so stupid there thinking who he is. Lol. Just kinda stunned that he suddenly acknowledged me in the mrt.
Ohwell. And i shall continue slacking and fail. Zzz.
Lessons were rather lag today as well. Zzz, i hate practical lessons. They are like damn boring and gohsm always makes us finish it today, so sometimes i have to stay back after module to complete it. Rahh. Mr liu released us late for break again today. I hate wednesdays too. The canteen is like always freaking packed with people. And by the time i get my food, time's up.
Done SEL assessment today. Realised i got alot of developing and no exceeding =x Ohwell. And i assessed sylvia for very long, haha too serious le. But of course must be serious right, i must give her a grade which she rightfully deserve, which the bulk is in meeting. Haha. Then checked results. Got really very lousy. Zzz. Only 1 A1, 4 B3s, 1 C6 and 1 F9. L1R5: 19. GPA: 2.5
Danger Zone. Going to die soon if this rubbish continues. But the worse thing is, can you believe that C6 is actually my chinese? Freak that AGH la. And the F9 is obviously math. Hardly suprising. 33 marks sia. History 2nd in level but ohwell~ Can't help much. Overall percentage is only 64.1% Argghh.
Don't even dare to tell her that i really will try my best to catch up. This time, i didn't give it my all. Probably only 40-60%.
Module passed very fast today. We watched The Patriot for the last hour. Was rather touching bah, some parts. And i went home alone. Zzz. Then while i was at JE mrt station, the train arrived at the centre platform and ppl started coming into the train heading towards boonlay. Then suddenly there was this swiss cottage guy who walked in and waved and said 'Hello? You knw me right? You from Xingnan table tennis right?' Was thinking this person looks extremely like who i thought he is, but unsure of it so i just nodded my head. After that while waiting in the queue for 242, i asked Are you Chen Chang Feng? And he said yes. Haha MY JUNIOR! Lols, so stupid there thinking who he is. Lol. Just kinda stunned that he suddenly acknowledged me in the mrt.
Ohwell. And i shall continue slacking and fail. Zzz.
Tuesday, March 6
Feel so tired, but forced to continue doing my homework and such. I really really don't want to do anything more and just drop on my bed and sleep for as long as i want, not having to wake up at 5am tmr morning. To face school. To face all the work i didn't do. And to top it all off, there's still module tmr. I feel so sick of everything and i don't want to go on anymore. Or maybe i just got too slack and now i can't get myself working anymore. Come on, it's only the start and im already flunking every single subject. No motivation. I'm nothing i set out to be.
Flunked my second math test with a single digit score. As expected but nothing to be proud of. Now my chinese is C6, math possibly F9 or worse. Maybe only history will be my consolation. Got a 94 for it, probably going to be the only A1 or even A at all. Training was very hiong today, had PT, that's why im so freaking tired. Haven't trained so hard for a long time.
Homework. Sleep. Which matters more? Chuck homework and go sleep sinyee, you've got the module to survive tmr. Good point.
I really don't want to do any work anymore. The holidays seem so near yet so far. I need a break right now. Hate to knw that im being so emotionally vulnerable that even the smallest things which i couldn't give a fck about now could bring me to the brink of tears. Ridiculous and pathetic. Behaviour of a weakling and an emo-freak. Totally not what i do. But what's happening to me?
And my mother is threatening to tell my father to make me quit table tennis to concentrate on my stydies and stop making myself so tired. Quit? When that woman takes over, maybe. Definitely not now. Sorry my dear mother, because sometimes you just don't fcking see.
&i never felt so lost and alone. Cos' i can't turn to you, when it all falls apart.
Only to see the perfect mask crumble away bit by bit and revealing all the true emotions beneath.
Flunked my second math test with a single digit score. As expected but nothing to be proud of. Now my chinese is C6, math possibly F9 or worse. Maybe only history will be my consolation. Got a 94 for it, probably going to be the only A1 or even A at all. Training was very hiong today, had PT, that's why im so freaking tired. Haven't trained so hard for a long time.
Homework. Sleep. Which matters more? Chuck homework and go sleep sinyee, you've got the module to survive tmr. Good point.
I really don't want to do any work anymore. The holidays seem so near yet so far. I need a break right now. Hate to knw that im being so emotionally vulnerable that even the smallest things which i couldn't give a fck about now could bring me to the brink of tears. Ridiculous and pathetic. Behaviour of a weakling and an emo-freak. Totally not what i do. But what's happening to me?
And my mother is threatening to tell my father to make me quit table tennis to concentrate on my stydies and stop making myself so tired. Quit? When that woman takes over, maybe. Definitely not now. Sorry my dear mother, because sometimes you just don't fcking see.
&i never felt so lost and alone. Cos' i can't turn to you, when it all falls apart.
Only to see the perfect mask crumble away bit by bit and revealing all the true emotions beneath.
Monday, March 5
As expected, we lost to NYGH, i didn't get to play. Set score: 3-0. Don't even knw why im bothering to go for that prize presentation when clearly i did nothing that is worth for our team to glorify in. Didn't play well. Didn't even play in the semi-finals and finals. Should never even had held hope in the first place, no hope is better than false hope. Though i didn't believe that we stand a chance to win them anyway. So it has finally ended.
'C' Girls - 2nd
'C' Boys - 3rd [edit]
'B' Girls - 2nd
'B' Boys - 4th
Was feeling terrible during match today. Pissed off at everyone and everything. Had a killer gastric pain halfway through. Actually the whole event was the same old thing. Don't need to talk about it anymore. We just got our ugly trying-to-pass-off-as-silver gray medal, took a few photos which i can't even smile in, and then left. Don't even have to try to tell you how disappointed i was.
Missed cross-country due to tournament. Heard that minotaur got 1st in cheering and mascot, which is so unbelievable. And 2nd overall. Totally amazing. Minotaur has finally made it to the top. & hope esther's alright yeah, god bless.
Only to come back home to realise i have more work to finish. I don't feel like going to school. I just want a nice long break and let me catch up on everything that i've missed out. I don't want to be pressed with so much school work and things like that. I really don't want to be so worn out anymore.
----
I don't think i'll be able to hold out much longer anymore. I'm really sick of second-guessing myself everyday, thinking so much of what i'd never get an answer in. I don't want to be viewed as someone who is clinging on desperately to everything that's left to salvage. I don't want it to be this way. And it is making me so mentally imbalanced which is a weakness i don't want to be associated with. I can't even give myself a definite answer whether i might be able to give it up. It seems like nothing matters to me anymore. I hate this feeling of myself being so foolishly emotional, and i helplessly, can do nothing about this.
The doubts i have about what they tell me is going to get overruled by the plain truth. I'm losing faith, losing the trust. Tell me you did this for a greater and further meaning. Tell me it's because you don't want what would happen in the end come true. Tell me that it is not because you have forgotten, or given up, or chosen someone better. Or maybe just tell me that it's never going to be the same anymore. There are too many things promised, too many things reassured. But what had happened to all of that? Gone. As simple as that.
I don't want to have to make myself hold the tears back anymore. I want to be just able to cry out loud whenever i feel like it. It's very miserable for me to be acting like im forever happy. The feeling really sucks.
All i had wanted now is a definite answer, to tell me that it's okay for me to give it up. And that no one cares anymore. That you don't care anymore.
And let's go back to the beginning. When nothing has been said or done. When im forever hoping but never sure. I'm sure i'd feel alot better, or probably had already let you go. Because then i'll never have known what you felt. It would have been alot easier...
'C' Girls - 2nd
'C' Boys - 3rd [edit]
'B' Girls - 2nd
'B' Boys - 4th
Was feeling terrible during match today. Pissed off at everyone and everything. Had a killer gastric pain halfway through. Actually the whole event was the same old thing. Don't need to talk about it anymore. We just got our ugly trying-to-pass-off-as-silver gray medal, took a few photos which i can't even smile in, and then left. Don't even have to try to tell you how disappointed i was.
Missed cross-country due to tournament. Heard that minotaur got 1st in cheering and mascot, which is so unbelievable. And 2nd overall. Totally amazing. Minotaur has finally made it to the top. & hope esther's alright yeah, god bless.
Only to come back home to realise i have more work to finish. I don't feel like going to school. I just want a nice long break and let me catch up on everything that i've missed out. I don't want to be pressed with so much school work and things like that. I really don't want to be so worn out anymore.
----
I don't think i'll be able to hold out much longer anymore. I'm really sick of second-guessing myself everyday, thinking so much of what i'd never get an answer in. I don't want to be viewed as someone who is clinging on desperately to everything that's left to salvage. I don't want it to be this way. And it is making me so mentally imbalanced which is a weakness i don't want to be associated with. I can't even give myself a definite answer whether i might be able to give it up. It seems like nothing matters to me anymore. I hate this feeling of myself being so foolishly emotional, and i helplessly, can do nothing about this.
The doubts i have about what they tell me is going to get overruled by the plain truth. I'm losing faith, losing the trust. Tell me you did this for a greater and further meaning. Tell me it's because you don't want what would happen in the end come true. Tell me that it is not because you have forgotten, or given up, or chosen someone better. Or maybe just tell me that it's never going to be the same anymore. There are too many things promised, too many things reassured. But what had happened to all of that? Gone. As simple as that.
I don't want to have to make myself hold the tears back anymore. I want to be just able to cry out loud whenever i feel like it. It's very miserable for me to be acting like im forever happy. The feeling really sucks.
All i had wanted now is a definite answer, to tell me that it's okay for me to give it up. And that no one cares anymore. That you don't care anymore.
And let's go back to the beginning. When nothing has been said or done. When im forever hoping but never sure. I'm sure i'd feel alot better, or probably had already let you go. Because then i'll never have known what you felt. It would have been alot easier...
Sunday, March 4
Hmm okay, today was a boring day so i shall not talk about my day. Actually it is that i have nothing to talk about. Ohwell~
Changed my blog music back to IWebMusic. Reason being there are many songs which are unavailable in RadioBlogClub. Though i still think IWebMusic sucks larh, quality of the music really cannot make it. Nvm, i shall make do with what i have.
Changed my blog music back to IWebMusic. Reason being there are many songs which are unavailable in RadioBlogClub. Though i still think IWebMusic sucks larh, quality of the music really cannot make it. Nvm, i shall make do with what i have.
And i applaud Josephine in thanks for the creation of this image for me (: Might be the main image for my next skin to change. Waiting for the codes now.
&tmr's the day. Finals here finally. Playing against nanyang, don't knw the odds. Maybe we do stand a chance or maybe none at all. But no matter what, im sure we'll try to clinch that championship tmr and bring back what we worked for to honour whoever made us what we are. (And it ISN'T that woman) Moving on in the nationals. Hoping we'd get something more out of it this time round. All the best to all RVTTians playing tmr.
----
Finally. I wasn't really hoping when i clicked on that icon today. Alas, when i least expected. I got it back. Though it was something (better than nothing), but i can't help but feel disappointed. For the many days which i had hoped and brooded over, and when i finally got it back, it was only that few lines. All i could do was to read it again and again. Nothing extra in it to reassure my insecurities. Maybe it had really ended. You left it all here then you went away. Maybe it would never be the same anymore...
I really wonder, 我在你心中还剩多少...?
Got a feeling this is going to be a rather long post. As usual, welcomed to leave anytime, if you don't mind then well, go ahead.
Second CIP session today, still did wrapping the whole time. Think i gotten rather accustomed to it, so i shouldn't be changing duty most probably. Shibin and her friends came and helped out too, so we gave them the easy job of cutting the laminating plastic for us to wrap. I guess 5 hours of that can get boring as well.
So around 9.50am, me and melvin went out of the library to prepare for math test. Anyway must thank jianlong for lending his calculator to me. Totally forgot about it. Anyway, im going to flunk this test with a single-digit score. How sad. I didn't even get to finish question 2 in the 45 min. Didn't even care to try questions 3 and 4. Zzz. Though it was rather expected, but i thought it was manageable, just need more time.
Then went for a late break with melvin because i was going to die from gastric pains. And went back to wrap books again. Had class lunch. I hate jec. For banning people from sitting on the second floor anymore, so 3H always gets split up, what kind of a class lunch is this? Then decided not to go for training for class lunch. Then i saw zhijun there and she said that im giving up training for class lunch when we said that we want to win nanyang. And i felt damn guilty that i still went off for training after finishing lunch.
After confirming with xinyu that i could take 334 to that guailan CC which i have never heard before, she told me to alight at the first CC with a macs there. And so i alighted a few stops after, to find that i had alighted at Jurong Green CC instead of Jurong Spring CC which im supposed to train at. And then, i wanted to take 335, so i walked 3 bus stops to look for 335, to see none. And so i took 157, thinking that if i can't find it then i'll just go home since 157 reaches boon lay interchange as well. And man, was that 157 slow as snail! Almost killed myself on that bus. And i finally found the place.
----
I really didn't realise what im becoming if someone didn't tell it to my face. I really wasn't treating the trainings seriously, not treating the matches seriously. I didn't give them my 100%. Yes, i wasn't like this in the past. And i really don't knw what is the problem with me now. And i can't blame anyone for not playing well these few days, not to mention the past few matches. Maybe i just don't have that motivation anymore. Wrong priorities. What's the problem with me?
----
It feels like it's been so long, when it's only that few weeks. Like i was only scrolling through the whole long list of msn contacts. When i saw it. So long since i saw it. And suddenly overwhelmed by nostalgia once again. Can't describe that feeling of that few words i saw. What i saw but could not deem true. Just wondering when i'd ever get something back.
Because i really miss you so much.
Second CIP session today, still did wrapping the whole time. Think i gotten rather accustomed to it, so i shouldn't be changing duty most probably. Shibin and her friends came and helped out too, so we gave them the easy job of cutting the laminating plastic for us to wrap. I guess 5 hours of that can get boring as well.
So around 9.50am, me and melvin went out of the library to prepare for math test. Anyway must thank jianlong for lending his calculator to me. Totally forgot about it. Anyway, im going to flunk this test with a single-digit score. How sad. I didn't even get to finish question 2 in the 45 min. Didn't even care to try questions 3 and 4. Zzz. Though it was rather expected, but i thought it was manageable, just need more time.
Then went for a late break with melvin because i was going to die from gastric pains. And went back to wrap books again. Had class lunch. I hate jec. For banning people from sitting on the second floor anymore, so 3H always gets split up, what kind of a class lunch is this? Then decided not to go for training for class lunch. Then i saw zhijun there and she said that im giving up training for class lunch when we said that we want to win nanyang. And i felt damn guilty that i still went off for training after finishing lunch.
After confirming with xinyu that i could take 334 to that guailan CC which i have never heard before, she told me to alight at the first CC with a macs there. And so i alighted a few stops after, to find that i had alighted at Jurong Green CC instead of Jurong Spring CC which im supposed to train at. And then, i wanted to take 335, so i walked 3 bus stops to look for 335, to see none. And so i took 157, thinking that if i can't find it then i'll just go home since 157 reaches boon lay interchange as well. And man, was that 157 slow as snail! Almost killed myself on that bus. And i finally found the place.
----
I really didn't realise what im becoming if someone didn't tell it to my face. I really wasn't treating the trainings seriously, not treating the matches seriously. I didn't give them my 100%. Yes, i wasn't like this in the past. And i really don't knw what is the problem with me now. And i can't blame anyone for not playing well these few days, not to mention the past few matches. Maybe i just don't have that motivation anymore. Wrong priorities. What's the problem with me?
----
It feels like it's been so long, when it's only that few weeks. Like i was only scrolling through the whole long list of msn contacts. When i saw it. So long since i saw it. And suddenly overwhelmed by nostalgia once again. Can't describe that feeling of that few words i saw. What i saw but could not deem true. Just wondering when i'd ever get something back.
Because i really miss you so much.
Friday, March 2
Replies to tags:
Jonathan> LOL nvm, i will screw it up worse than you =/ Thanks thanks.
Shaun, Xuanwei, Rousi, Kwanling & Xinyu> Thanks people, im okay le (i hope). Haha.
Sharm> Yeah i bet you do knw how it feels.. (:
Yangling> LOL what 24wei, i die die also won't drink one! Haha. Scared he will scream at me mah. Lols.
Sylvia> Haha, not very well still but well enough for tournament. We still won in the end! =D
Szefan> Ah ya larh. Zzz nanyang. Sian =x
Yingying> YES she totally sucks man. Don't knw how chamm she want to xian4 hai4 wo3! Zzz must do freaking well for the rest of the chinese tests to get an 'A' grade anymore. Stupid.
----
Okay, so i went back to school today. And i woke up rather late. And i reached school only at 7.15am. Lessons were as usually boring. Ohwell. I still can't freaking believe my abysmal chinese grades. I'm like ranked 15 out of the 17 people in my chinese class? And to think i used to be like top 5? Wtf. I want to slaughter her! Now i have to do freaking well for the rest of the chinese tests to maintain my 'A' grade. In the end if i don't do well for chinese, im going to condemn her to hell and skin her alive! Okay, you knw im joking. LOL.
Okay got back chem test today. Scraped passed by that few marks only. Can die man. Now math fail, chinese as good as fail, physics pass 2 marks, chem pass 4 marks. Left with language arts. I don't think it's going to be very good as well. Zzz. Maybe it's time i did some serious head-banging. Erm i mean, serious mugging.
And today is also match day! We won dunearn 4-1 and nanhua 3-0. Didn't get to play in the nanhua match because the three at the front already won. Didn't really play well, as still rather sick. Emotionally unstable (from test results) and physically weak. Best combo one can get, wth. My hands were cold like...i don't knw what larh. So glad we finally won the two matches today which is also the semis. Going to fight for 1st and 2nd placing with NYGH on monday le. They keep saying we got chance to win. But i seriously don't think so. Nanyang is like a freaking pro. But then ohwell, still got to try. We'll bring RVTT and jiao lian honour. Ahh that sounds good =D
So after the game, went to eat dinner. It was supposed to be like a simple one. Who ask they go eat so freaking expensive pizza hut. Such a poor person like me cannot afford one you knw! Zzz. Then walk walk around then finally went home.
Damn tired now. And im taking the killer math test tmr wth. After CIP there's still training. Okay, so let's all die together.
Oh yes, due to me not having gone online at night last night to blog, i shall do it now.
HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY XINYU! I knw im first to wish you =D
Jonathan> LOL nvm, i will screw it up worse than you =/ Thanks thanks.
Shaun, Xuanwei, Rousi, Kwanling & Xinyu> Thanks people, im okay le (i hope). Haha.
Sharm> Yeah i bet you do knw how it feels.. (:
Yangling> LOL what 24wei, i die die also won't drink one! Haha. Scared he will scream at me mah. Lols.
Sylvia> Haha, not very well still but well enough for tournament. We still won in the end! =D
Szefan> Ah ya larh. Zzz nanyang. Sian =x
Yingying> YES she totally sucks man. Don't knw how chamm she want to xian4 hai4 wo3! Zzz must do freaking well for the rest of the chinese tests to get an 'A' grade anymore. Stupid.
----
Okay, so i went back to school today. And i woke up rather late. And i reached school only at 7.15am. Lessons were as usually boring. Ohwell. I still can't freaking believe my abysmal chinese grades. I'm like ranked 15 out of the 17 people in my chinese class? And to think i used to be like top 5? Wtf. I want to slaughter her! Now i have to do freaking well for the rest of the chinese tests to maintain my 'A' grade. In the end if i don't do well for chinese, im going to condemn her to hell and skin her alive! Okay, you knw im joking. LOL.
Okay got back chem test today. Scraped passed by that few marks only. Can die man. Now math fail, chinese as good as fail, physics pass 2 marks, chem pass 4 marks. Left with language arts. I don't think it's going to be very good as well. Zzz. Maybe it's time i did some serious head-banging. Erm i mean, serious mugging.
And today is also match day! We won dunearn 4-1 and nanhua 3-0. Didn't get to play in the nanhua match because the three at the front already won. Didn't really play well, as still rather sick. Emotionally unstable (from test results) and physically weak. Best combo one can get, wth. My hands were cold like...i don't knw what larh. So glad we finally won the two matches today which is also the semis. Going to fight for 1st and 2nd placing with NYGH on monday le. They keep saying we got chance to win. But i seriously don't think so. Nanyang is like a freaking pro. But then ohwell, still got to try. We'll bring RVTT and jiao lian honour. Ahh that sounds good =D
So after the game, went to eat dinner. It was supposed to be like a simple one. Who ask they go eat so freaking expensive pizza hut. Such a poor person like me cannot afford one you knw! Zzz. Then walk walk around then finally went home.
Damn tired now. And im taking the killer math test tmr wth. After CIP there's still training. Okay, so let's all die together.
Oh yes, due to me not having gone online at night last night to blog, i shall do it now.
HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY XINYU! I knw im first to wish you =D
Thursday, March 1
Oh Hi, I'm on sick leave yet trying to finish all the bloody homework from school.
Is that like sad or something? I can't even rest properly at home. Have to finish all the homework i owe. Okay, it's my fault because i didn't do it beforehand. But one way or another, i'll still have to do it, only a matter of time.
Wow, Swee Cheng told me i actually didn't fail my physics test! Is that like a miracle or something? I thought i'd flunk rather badly. I passed just by a little, so i shall not be contented or i'll never get better. And i was also told that math test today was like freaking difficult. No one finished the paper. Okay, it's a gone case for me already. And im missing chem, math and physics tmr for tournament. So i'd probably retake my math on monday. Ohwell.
And TMD. It's the first time my chinese get so lousy can? Screw you. My chinese has never gotten lower than B3 one la! Now i got a fcking C6?! CA get a C6 end of year will drag down my grade one can? My chinese is like A1-B3 one la. Everyone let her teach will flunk is it?! WTF. GO SCREW YOURSELF LA.
Not getting any better, the medicine really doesn't help. And i didn't go to the doc or something as well. I can't concentrate on getting my jian bao done because half the time im like sniffing uncontrollably. LOL. If there isn't tournament tmr, i think i'd probably not go to school as well. Afraid i would underperform tmr and then jiao lian would scream at me. Zzz.
Going out later to get my homework and stuff from sylvia. And probably see if there's anything new in class that i missed out.
Damn it. Can something effective please stop that bloody flu.
直到 眼泪它自己落下才发现骗不了自己其实很爱你
Is that like sad or something? I can't even rest properly at home. Have to finish all the homework i owe. Okay, it's my fault because i didn't do it beforehand. But one way or another, i'll still have to do it, only a matter of time.
Wow, Swee Cheng told me i actually didn't fail my physics test! Is that like a miracle or something? I thought i'd flunk rather badly. I passed just by a little, so i shall not be contented or i'll never get better. And i was also told that math test today was like freaking difficult. No one finished the paper. Okay, it's a gone case for me already. And im missing chem, math and physics tmr for tournament. So i'd probably retake my math on monday. Ohwell.
And TMD. It's the first time my chinese get so lousy can? Screw you. My chinese has never gotten lower than B3 one la! Now i got a fcking C6?! CA get a C6 end of year will drag down my grade one can? My chinese is like A1-B3 one la. Everyone let her teach will flunk is it?! WTF. GO SCREW YOURSELF LA.
Not getting any better, the medicine really doesn't help. And i didn't go to the doc or something as well. I can't concentrate on getting my jian bao done because half the time im like sniffing uncontrollably. LOL. If there isn't tournament tmr, i think i'd probably not go to school as well. Afraid i would underperform tmr and then jiao lian would scream at me. Zzz.
Going out later to get my homework and stuff from sylvia. And probably see if there's anything new in class that i missed out.
Damn it. Can something effective please stop that bloody flu.
直到 眼泪它自己落下才发现骗不了自己其实很爱你
Okay screw, im not going to school later, considering it's already 1+am. Ohwell, supposedly i should feel happy or something because im taking a day off school. But problem #1: There's math test tmr. Problem #2: We're getting back our physics test tmr. Problem #3: I have math remedial tmr. Problem #4: I'll miss out alot of lessons. Problem #5: I can't celebrate xiao yu's birthday with her and 3H! and etc.
I already took a tablet for my bloody flu just now and all it's doing is block out my other nostril so now i can't breathe. I'm going to die soon man, wth. The worse thing of all is probably, melvin is also not going to school tmr. Been sick for so long. Get well soon melvin! But that's not the point. Point is, 3H is not going to be chairperson-less for school later. Since both me and melvin absent, which i think is rather rare. Who's going to be the one to take attendance? Who's the one who will bring the class to morning assembly in LT1 tmr punctually? Someone's got to do it. For once the person won't be me. Well, for once we can see how 3H gets independent, im sure they will. I'll find out from sylvia anyway. And PROBABLY they'll realise how much the little things me and melvin do each day matters so much xD
Been talking with acer and melvin about the school's workload now. Many people are falling sick because of insufficiet rest. Like me and melvin and yuhong. Like straight nights without sleep at all is really bad for health. I really think what acer and melvin said is true. The departments don't communicate among themselves and just throw all the work they have for us to us, so see how much we have in the end. A killer amount which we cannot handle. And by extending the deadline for 1 or 2 days, they think it's such a big deal and that we cannot have a reason to hand in work late. Homework is one thing, PLUS, we've got to study for tests as well. And subjects like math and physics on the same day, either you study math and forget physics or vice versa. I really don't think we can study both and absorb the contents in such a short time.
Hope all's well for the class later. I'm going to sleep now. My nose is freaking blocked and my head is freaking splitting. Gahhs.
Level of productivity = All-time low. How am i going to play well on friday, i really wonder.
I already took a tablet for my bloody flu just now and all it's doing is block out my other nostril so now i can't breathe. I'm going to die soon man, wth. The worse thing of all is probably, melvin is also not going to school tmr. Been sick for so long. Get well soon melvin! But that's not the point. Point is, 3H is not going to be chairperson-less for school later. Since both me and melvin absent, which i think is rather rare. Who's going to be the one to take attendance? Who's the one who will bring the class to morning assembly in LT1 tmr punctually? Someone's got to do it. For once the person won't be me. Well, for once we can see how 3H gets independent, im sure they will. I'll find out from sylvia anyway. And PROBABLY they'll realise how much the little things me and melvin do each day matters so much xD
Been talking with acer and melvin about the school's workload now. Many people are falling sick because of insufficiet rest. Like me and melvin and yuhong. Like straight nights without sleep at all is really bad for health. I really think what acer and melvin said is true. The departments don't communicate among themselves and just throw all the work they have for us to us, so see how much we have in the end. A killer amount which we cannot handle. And by extending the deadline for 1 or 2 days, they think it's such a big deal and that we cannot have a reason to hand in work late. Homework is one thing, PLUS, we've got to study for tests as well. And subjects like math and physics on the same day, either you study math and forget physics or vice versa. I really don't think we can study both and absorb the contents in such a short time.
Hope all's well for the class later. I'm going to sleep now. My nose is freaking blocked and my head is freaking splitting. Gahhs.
Level of productivity = All-time low. How am i going to play well on friday, i really wonder.
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