Empty.

What am i supposed to feel when i've studied so hard but still going to flunk my history paper all the same? Empty. It's been proven that mugging is of no use. To hell with mugging. I really studied hard for this paper, and what did i get.. But well, i guess it all still comes back to me. Empty. I really don't knw what i should do. Study, fail. Don't study, fail. So i might as well not study. Empty.

Now i don't knw whether i should mug for my chemistry tmr.

曾经拥有的全世界, 一下就化为乌有. 突然我什么都不再想要, 过去的, 现在的, 以后的, 我都不再想要. 你没有错, 我也没有责怪你. 只是我不懂得怎么放开, 不懂怎样才可以把你从我心里擦去. 并没有你说的那样, 我从来不曾放开过. 只是那一时不懂我要的是什么, 又要怎么做. 只是厌倦了现在的关系. 不是真的想伤害你, 真的不是有意. 如果不小心伤了你, 真的真的对不起. 只是希望你会明白, 如果不想再理也没关系, 我已无权再过问你的决定...

只是曾经拥有的那全世界, 偶尔还会回忆...

Frustration.Confusion.Angst.Nostalgia.

Sometimes i really wonder how an average 15 year old human manage to feel so much all at one time. I'm already very close to it now. I'm willing to take a step back now. I'm sure i would get what i want soon, and it would benefit all parties. Now you have to come and do this. Now i don't knw what to think, what to feel. Why is it that everytime im so damn determined that you've got to go and say something to make me remember everything all over again? You've been so hard on from the start, you've been so sure it's the best way. Now don't come and say sorry.

No point thinking about it. I'm ruling my own head. I won't waver anymore.

Taking a short break off from my mugging for this post. So i didn't go to je library today like im supposed to because i slept at like 3am last night and i woke up at 9.45am. So i didn't want to waste anymore time on travelling. Currently on my last point that ms chia gave, but decided to add in two more points that could be possible questions. Hopefully i would have caught all the point for the questions tmr.

Hmm okay. It's a short post but well, what'd you expect by mugging all day?

HAPPY BIRTHDAY EILEEN! (:


只是那几句话, 都让我为他心痛. 就只差那么一步, 但我知道现在还不是时候. 希望你会明白.

I've stoned at this page for 20min before the first word. Zzz. Occupied mind..

Went out in the morning to mug history with josephine and yanyi. We managed to grab a table in the surprisingly crowded je library. Managed to cover some of the points after alot of flipping through my notes and humanities journal. Ater lunching at macs we decided to study there for abit and was thrown out by the floor manager. HAHA. Some joke. And we continued in je library where we saw super many 3H guys.

We called ms chia to clear up some confusion about 3 factors and 2 view questions. Then after the call they started talking about different things which confused me again. Zzz.. Then went home before going out SGH to visit my grnadma who's just had an op and looks fine and healthy now. Okay, that's good.

Going to be mugging alot for hist again tmr and hopefully score in monday's test. Jiayou to all for mid years!

& i took an hour to complete this entry. Zzz.

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Just give me more time.

Ahh okay, i have another girlfriend! (Apart from jean and yijun =x) Okay, think from the tagboard you all can infer who is my new girlfriend le, so i shall not elaborate anymore right? SYLVIATANHJ! Haha. For more funny elaborations, please go to sylvia's blog. LOL.

Okay.. So actually, today was a bad day. Really bad. Because:

• I got sent out of class during chem.
• I flunked my math test.
• Some _ did not turn up for a supposed meeting.
• Had physics remedial.
• It's the last school day before mid-years start.

Let's start off with my first point. Me getting sent out during chem lesson. I actually stayed up last night completing one of the two assignments which my dear chem teacher told us to finish by today. And seeing the time i finished the assignment was 12.30am, i decided to turn in before i can't wake up this morning. So, i had to stand up during chem today when she was checking the assignment, explain to her why i did not complete, and she got me out of the class to finish the assignment along with my 14 classmates.

Like wth? It's not like i did not do anything at all okay. I did the whole of the other assignment all by myself. I just chose to do the wrong assignment. Who would knw? She said both was due today. And what pissed me off the most was not us being sent out. Our dear chem teacher actually asked "What is the purpose of this assignment? I don't want you to just come here and copy answers." YEAH RIGHT. It's precisely because i did not copy the goddamn answers that i have to be sent out la right. I had lots of time during english lesson la. Fine, then i went out, stared at my notes, then borrowed the assignment from the next class and copied those answers. That's what she wants isn't it?

It's just because we did not copy answers that's why we have to be sent out, and it doesn't mean anyone who remained in the class had truly done their work. Bloody pissifying. I'm not going to do her homework anymore, what is the use, i still get sent out anyway. Send me out for all i care, im better off outside than listening to her bloody monotonous and expressionless voice. There's totally no difference at the outside from the inside, just that im rid of your voice on the outside. I'm not getting my B3 and it's all because of you, stupid noob. This is bullshit.

Then after that was math. Double wave of depression, i failed my math test with flying colours. It's the score which i knew i would get from the end of the test. And that one small paragraph of what mr liu wrote there made me want to tear because i was feeling so damn screwed up. At 12.45pm, me and melvin went to meet some _ who wantewd to see us at that time, when we're having lessons. Talk about punctuality, he's not there at all la. He's got no right to lecture us about punctuality right. And we went to check back after 30min and he's still not there. Crap. What a bloody joke.

Physics remedial was short. But it can kill. I was basically copying the answers like a typing machine or something and not understanding a single thing that gohsm is saying. Zzz. This is very bad. At the end of the remedial, i recall jumping around as the long day was finally over. After doing my SS essay, went out and had late lunch with sylvia and we talked about alot of stuff..

Last day of school before mid years stats next monday. This week seem to fly past damn quickly. Monday would be english and history paper. Going to have to mug like crazy. Mid years in sec 3 feels like PSLE. All teachers chionging to go through papers. They nv thought whether we could absorb all that information.

On a lighter note though, Step camp is back! Was just talking with my mother the other day. Now here it is. But im not sure whether i'd be able to go for it.. Ahh..

& Congrats to CLDDS with Gold and ELDDS with Bronze!

I got nothing to blog about today.. This week seemed to fly past really quickly. It's cliche but true. Tmr would be friday already and after the weekends, our mid year papers are starting..

I'm seriously very stressed out at the thought of exams coming just a weekend away. It seems really so close, and i knw it is. Though im completing my homework everyday now, that's still hardly enough for me to catch up. I think i've lagged behind alot alot. Our teachers are all rushing through the corrections for assignments now and every lesson we're like just frantically copying the answers. Especially during physics and chem. It just makes me very worried..

Speaking about chem.. Haix. I don't knw what to say. It really doesn't seem to me that i can even maintain my already not so good grade of B3. I have no confidence in her teaching at all. I doubt self revision can help me much too, because i can't seem to complete an assignment without so much as referring to the notes which will not be allowed during exams. Argh. This sucks so bad.

I had wanted to take this and prove to everyone who think i can't make it that i can. I'm not really as incompetent as they think. But it turns out that im wrong, i am that incompetent after all. How to stay positive, im losing all my confidence in everything. Maybe i'd be able to scrape a pass if i mugged hard enough. I don;t want to disappoint anyone who had hopes in me. If there was anyone. Most of all, i'd hate to disappoint myself anymore.

So im going to finish my chem assignments tonight. Oh and read about the SS essay tmr. Much as it seems impossible. Haix. Wow, i thought i had nothing to blog about.

----

& Congrats to Dance (Modern) for the Gold with Honours!

Goddamnit. Today sucked. And thinking of it just makes me want to sprout one long string of expletives here. Which i just did anyway. I'm sorry for any which might appear in this post, im just not exactly stable in the mind right now.

Wednesdays are supposed to be slack days, which would mean light workload resulting in little or no stress of the mental state of mind. Which happened to be the direct opposite today.

Chinese and physics lessons had been okay, and my good mood lasted, till math. I'm not saying that it pissed me off today, but the test did. I could only confidently answer one question out of the four. I'm going to fail this test pretty damn badly. I think mr liu would have given up on me, seeing as how hopeless my math just is, and i don't blame him. I'd probably given myself up long before.

Break totally ruled man. To think 3H was released 5 minutes earlier for break but me and sylvia ended up queueing for a good 30 minutes before we got our food. And why? What took so long for us to just get a plate of food? Oh, maybe the whole bunch of people who conveniently cut into the queue made it longer. Maybe that girl who walked in right infront of me made me a little more pissed off. Maybe that mindless remark from an SC completely pissed me off. If you pity the people behind you who might not have enough time to eat, then why the hell did you even cut in the damn queue in the first place? (And sherry, im not talking about you here.)

Sometimes you're desperate to get your food, you cut a queue, thinking it's of no big deal, since you're just one person. Someone who saw that decided to follow suit, bringing this whole bunch of 10+ people nto the queue. That makes hell lot of a difference okay. Have you ever thought about the people still queueing up behind you? Are they not desperate for their food too? If you were the ones whose queue was being cut, would you be able to just shrug it off, after standing about 25 minutes in the stationary queue? Hell, i think NOT right.

Is it so difficult to tell the person asking for your help, a simple no? Is it so hard to just point out to the person the long queue behind you? And that they deserve to get their food first since they were here before? What's the problem with that?

Went for the EU talk. Honestly, i don't knw what to say about it. I almost feels like im back in my THIMUN days, attending the IMF talk and intelligent conferences. The place where i don't fit in. Ah well. Nothing much to say about it.

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I don't understand why. It's really ridiculous to me. It's not like we don't knw each other well enough, not like anything would happen there. We're all classmates. Everyone needs their own space. Stop letting him restrict you anymore, it's really not worth it. Him not being able to go for some things doesn't mean you can't go for it too. Do what you want now before you regret at the end of your RV life. I mean it.

Chalet confirmed! Yaye, there's going to be a chalet on 26th may to celebrate my birthday! Ahh, this is going to rock! :D

Ohwell. So lessons today were the same. Life is getting so meaningless. Math pisses me off now, big time. I don't even knw what's the problem but everytime mr liu wants us to do math questions i'd be there grumbling like mad and pissing myself off. Argh. How am i even dreaming of passing my math luh.

I'm losing more and more confidence in my chem. With such a noob teacher. Like crap, she seriously doesn't even knw what she's teaching la. Zzz. If we all fail exams, it is not because we did not put in effort. It's because she doesn't knw how to teach. Don't blame us, because we have a noob teacher.

After school sat for the international science competition paper. As usual, just anyhow did it. And questions at the end were really anyhow pick answers de. Was still calculating the time to take for each question so i would end on the dot. I don't want to end ealier and waste my life away sitting there staring at the air. LOL.

I'm damn worried for mid years. I knw im going to flunk my sciences and math damn badly. But i don't knw what i can do now. It seems too late. Zzz i don't want to flunk again...

Bad day. Why so?

Firstly in the morning, i woke up at a glorious 6.15am. Did i ever mention that i would get pissed off if i wake up late or reached school late? But in any case, i would. Which contributed to the fact that i was already pissed to start with. Though i kept asking myself throughout the day what am i so unhappy at, why? Didn't arrive at any solid conclusion, though there are several suspecting factors. I just felt really realy rotten.

Lessons, as usual were random. I'm quite sure i'd be failing chem. Considering my dear chem teacher is not evem sure what the hell she's teaching. Claiming that she'd go and find a less difficult way of explaining it to us so we would understand. All i asked her was 'So the elements after period 3 can hold up to a maximum of 18 valence electrons right?' Which the answer is obviously yes. And she was stumped and said 'i'll go back and check.' Like LOL, forget it la right, let me teach la. Zzz.

Stayed back after school to finish my physics assignment 4. Zzz. How am i going to go and see ms chia or mr tan for history and ss revision. There isn't even any time left after school. There's some stupid science competition tmr, EU talk on wednesday (this came at the wrong time) and math remedial on thursday la. Damn it. I'm pissed.

----

I thought i still had it.. I don't want it to slip away just when im about so close. I'm so close. I really have got nothing to lose anymore. This must stay with me... No matter what.

My father doesn't trust me.

He thinks i can't do good with my life. He doesn't think im speaking the truth when i said i stayed back after school to complete my homework. He doesn't think i can do it without my 'precious' math tuition. He's bent on thinking i don't deserve to be in RV. He wants to pick me up after school everyday to make sure im in school doing homework and not somewhere else playing.

He doesn't even knw that i really really hate him talking to me that way. He places himself so much higher and tries to intimidate me. He accuses me of things i did not do. He is not confident that i would make it for my mid years at all. He thinks im a piece of uselss garbage and will never, ever, make it to university. He thinks everything about me just SUCKS, from my academics down to my attitude.

SHE thinks history is useless. He thinks chinese is uselss. SHE thinks everything i do well in is useless. He think's I'm uselss.

Don't blame me for forever thinking im not gna make the mark. Because people around me don't think im gna make it either.

Is this what you call a paradigm shift?

This weekend's been squandered away with fun and not much work done. I feel guilty =x. Zzz.

Went out early today to do the Earth Day sculpture. Didn't really do much. Just tore the magazines out page by page and crushed them into paper balls. And supposed to stick them together to form something, but it's too time consuming so we gave up halfway and sylvia brought it home to do. At first only me, sylvia and jieren there. Then we saw yuhong, vincent and sweecheng too.

Left for marina with sylvia and yanyi for kbox! :D Met candy there too. Today kbox 23 bucks, damn ex lorh. Xin tong T.T But then nvm, since is for sylvia's birthday. I solo-ed 10 songs today la. Though i must say i really enjoyed myself. And sylvia recorded my singing la. Omg. Anyone who listens is going to die a terrible death! LOL. Sang for a full 4 hour plus today, damn fun. And candy's singing really OWNS. She say the both of us can go join arts fest this year. Haha.

Candy, Yanyi, Sylvia, Me. And i look weird. LOL.

Sylvia and Sinyee! Sisters (:

Before that mr liu called me and asked for my parents number. Zzz, made me damn worried for the whole day thinking what i did wrong. But i handed up all his hw! Then candy still help me to sms him, though there is no reply. Then when i reached home, my parents said he didnt call though my mother guessed it's because i didn't go math remedial last thursday. Apparently he doesnt believe i was sck on that day luh. Zzz.

Tmr is a monday again. Ahh sian.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY SYLVIA! <3 sista (:

Replies to tags:

Junice> Zzz, i don't like my surname =x

Sylvia> Haha hello, welcome back sista! Yeah you must tag more often for me (: I knw the picture's nice, i told you so. Haha. Yeah can't update because my comp was kind of screwed yesterday, but im back!

Ying> Eh nope. I don't really watch tv or youtube. Heh.

Josephine> Haha, josephine arh.. The pot calling the kettle black. I agree with sylvia, you gotta cheer up too! Anyway, im fine. I knw what to do (:

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Specially dedicated to TAN HUIJIE SYLVIA! A classmate, a friend, a sister (:

Ohmygod girl, you really have no idea how honoured i felt when i read those words on your blog! I was like :O Hahaha. I thought i was just another, yknw, random friend. Since we only knew each other better in this year as classmates and you would have had much closer friends in the 2 years spent in 2F.

Anyhow, im really glad that you feel comfortable enough with me to confide in me yeah. For someone i only knew better of for 4 months, you have extremely high tolerance for my nonsense everyday. And of course helping me with some work. (Since im a slacker and you're a mugger luh =x) I feel super honoured alright! & tmr's the day, let's go enjoy ourselves girl!

Never felt important enough. Until now (:

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Like i said, my comp was screwed last night. My father attempted to replace my old CPU with this new and completely sleek one. But the anti-virus programme is giving him some trouble. But it's alright today and i have a new and super stylo CPU!

Alright, yesterday was a tiring day. I can't stand lessons after break on thursdays and fridays. They just seemed to drag on and on. Especially the last lesson of the last day of the week, physics. =/ Gohsm still released late, but i basically tuned out. LOL. Anyway she's crazy to give us assignments 4, 5 and 6. To hand in on monday, tuesday and wednesday. Zzz. Think we godlike or something -.-

Discussed some class matters with jonathan after school and some others. To say the least, i felt unworth for 3H. No, that must be the understatement of the year. I feel damn useless, like im nothing at all. I don't knw what i can do to improve this situation in the least bit. Alhough they tell me it's not my fault, i don't want to see the same old things going on and on again. It's disheartening. I'm not exactly the model student, yes i knw that, but at least im trying. I'm putting more effort into this than anyone would knw.

Went to west mall with kristie, lihui, sinyee, chiouyih, sharman and qinhui for a late lunch. Laughed like some crazy people in KFC. And they think im too stressed up till i snapped and went mad. Ohwell. Took 157 from there back to boonlay, then when we reached NYGH, we realised we took the wrong direction! Is that stupid or is that stupid. DANG. What could have took us 20min to reach home, we took 1.5 hours. Zzz, i feel stupid. I can't believe my earphones went bust again.

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Went to the Japanese War Cemetry and Kranji War Memorial today. Early in the morning 8am. It was interesting. Big contrast between the latter and the former. The Kranji War Memorial was beautiful. Maybe might go back again. LOL. Can't post the nice pictures because i can't find my handphone PC suite disc to install and upload. Just felt the trip today was meaningful and worthwhile.

Went je to eat lunch with sinyee and lihui. We talked about alot of things, mainly about our parents and primary school. And we went to the library to slack. Though they went back after awhile to attend a parade. I did a bit of physics assignment 4 but im stuck though =x So i came home. I hate listening out of only one of my earphones. Feels damn weird.

Tmr going to je library in the morning with kbox people to do the stupid sculpture for Earth Day. Damn lame. Then going to kbox in the afternoon. Sylvia the birthday girl =D, Sharmie, Yanyi and Candy! Xinyu not sure going or not. Hope she's going, rest well girl (: We definitely going to have a good time because Candy's singing OWNS! Haha. So, going to do some homework. If not cannot finish by tmr =x.

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Did some reflections for over the past few months since the new school year started. What have i been doing as a student, what, as a leader. Did i do what was expected of me well enough? No. Not handing up hw on time for one too many times. Didnt manage to keep the class out of trouble.

I really wish i could do somehing to change this. Anything at all. It really bothers me, and i want to change something. But i can't do this alone. I'll need everyone else's cooperation. Not that 'heck care' attitude. I want us to improve together. If we can have such strong class spirit, we should shine academically as well. There are bad influences, no doubt. Perhaps im even one of them. I hate to feel like i can't do anything, completely hopeless and useless.

I've failed as a leader. I'm not a good leader.

I just really wish everyone would give more than a heck to this and make us all a better class. I knw we can all do it. Everyone in our class has potential. But it's up to yourselves to unleash what's within you. Everyone matters. I really hope things would take a better turn. I think that's reasonable to ask for.

Feeling extremely drained of energy today, due to no apparent reason. Woke up at 6am and almost freaked out. Reached school at around 7.25am, completely zonked and feeling like im in a trance. For the whole day, it's like my brain malfunctioned or something. I couldn't even do an extremely simple math expansion question, careless mistakes all around. Couldn't concentrate for the whole day and the headache feels like drums in my head. Pure torture.

-Zoned out-

Didn't go for math remedial after school because of those throbbing drums. LOL. Went back home totally alone and all. Took 51 and didn't wake up when it reached the terminal. And of course someone else had to wake me up. Embarrassing.

-Trapped there-

Due to the fact that i missed my stop at the library, i had to walk the opposite direction to get to the library to return my overdue book. And walk the length back to 99 bus stop. Couldn't sleep on it due to like 6 or 7 kids from this XXX school. Freakin' noisy la. Considering i had my vacuum earphones on la. After glaring at this boy talking at the top of his voice about some retarded Celtic Guardian or Relinguish. Yu-gi-oh cards crap. Random primary school kids talk. Then whatever, just had to turn up the volume of my music. Ah, can't stand this.

-To replace-

Walked home at snail speed and i reached home at like 5pm. Bet my mother was freakin shocked when she saw i was the first to return. Ohwell. Kind of lots of homework to finish by tmr. Kind of sianned of it though tmr is already the end of the school week but tmr is like the most sian day in the week. Zzz...

-To forget-

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It kinda hurt to knw that it didn't mean to be for me anymore. No, i knw it isn't directed at me anymore. And yes, that kind of hurt. Alot. I guess im wrong again. And i don't want to guess who those are meant for, i don't have business with it anymore. I'm supposed to. Forget. And i shall.

It might be better the other way out. Rather than meeting with the dead end and staying at the dead end. Maybe i should take a step back and realise there's the other way out. That way's always there and being neglected.

Stop thinking about what's never gna work out.

Hmm lessons were kinda boring today. Physics was fun, gohsm was damn high today for unknown reasons. I realised her actions today were damn cute, smiling at herself because of that funny video she showed us. I was laughing at her instead of the video. Haha, i like her this way. LOL.

PDP lesson was...interesting? Had a mini inter-class debate with 3J. It was a chinese debate, no less. And i was appointed as the first speaker. Like omg. We only had 10min to prepare what we were going to say and i wrote like 3 lines? The rest all impromptu la. The debate itself was good i guess, both parties had rather strong points. Though i think 3J is stronger in putting across points as emphasis. Overall, i still think it was a good experience. In the end, 3J was the winner. And i was best speaker.

Then was late for assembly because the debates delayed things. And assembly was about... LOL. Some rather sensitive stuff huh. But it was nonetheless still educational (haha) and stuff larh.

Short post, nothing much happened today. Shall finish my history SBQ and go sleep!

Congrats to Dance (Chinese) for the Gold with Honours!

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Omg, i didn't knw that so many people knew about it. I didn't knw that everyone was talking about it. I didn't knw anything at all. Bad thing about being at the container classrooms, last to knw everything. And i guess i still won't knw unless he asked me and i asked others.

I don't want others to talk about it because it is not their problem. I don't want those people to sympathise me or whatever because the fact is that it is not mine. And it never would be. I knw the reason for this reaction and it is not because im better. What should rightfully be mine is not, so drop it already. Sometimes things are never fair. But i had already accepted this, so why is everyone still talking about it? It doesn't really matter anymore, just stop rubbing it in my face.

In case anyone doesn't knw, im not okay about it. Not the least bit.

Had english reading comprehension test first up in the morning. At least it wasn't too bad, as in i could still answer the written response. PE was retarded, triple jump practices. What could be worse? Next week doing in the sand, PE never fails to dirty my shoes. Zzz. Had chem prac test today too, wasn't too bad. Got faulted for a stupid mistake but other than that, all was fine. Today passed quickly. Thank goodness.

After school, went to vivo with kristie for the free ben&jerry's icecream. We reached there quite early so there wasn't really a long queue and it moved along pretty fast. And so, we got our icecream in less than 2min!

Haha, be jealous! Chocolate fudge brownie + Chocolate chip cookie dough. LOLL. Went to eat long john after finishing the icecream, then felt damn stuffed. Haha so walked around vivo for fun. We decided we want to b damn rich and splurge on all the stuff we like. Haha. Likt that's going to happen. And we saw alot of rvians. Probably all there for the free icecream. LOL. (I'm looking forward to the treat on my birthday hor ;D)

Felt like sleeping after walking practically the whole of vivo with kristie. Damn tired. Reached home quite early today and my mother was shocked. Seriously what's her problem la -.- Like i can't reach home early. Zzz. Anyway, jiayou to all athletics people for tmr's cross country nationals!

Eh damn boring. I don't want to do chinese and physics luh.

& of course, Congrats Choir for the Gold with Honours!

我眼前的那是绿灯, 心里亮起的是红灯. 感觉要我怎么走, 我一时也不清楚, 自己要的是什么, 怎样才能找清楚?

Hmm lessons today passed very fast. Guess it was because i listened in class today. Even for math lesson, felt so 'enlightened' that i suddenly knw how to do all those alpha and beta questions. For once, things don't seem that hopeless anymore. Stayed back after school to complete my lagging essay and my chem assignment and handed both up. Then i done my chinese homework and filing while waiting for kristie. I've done all my homework due today and tmr! Feel accomplished (: So long since i really got down and done serious work.

Anyway, PE's touch rugby sucked man. I hate it. Late again, done 40 push-ups again. My knees arh...Are they going to have that two bruises there permanently or something..? LOL.

After school went out to eat with kristie. Ahh chatted about alot of stuff. About our parents, sec2 class, 3H and many many other things. We're going vivo tmr for the Ben&Jerry's ice-cream (:

& HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YUSHAN!

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When i was so determined that i would most difinitely erase the times from my mind, i still feel that connection. I guess it's really quite impossible to forget about all of it. Whatever it is, i do miss the things we use to do. Looks like refraining from conversation doesn't help. For me at least. I hope you are even talking about me.

I still feel that connection.

Hello people, im back! LOL. Okay i was actually back this morning...like 1+am. Yeah. The celebration was quite fun bah. But extremely damaging to the ears. LOL. Because they went to this restaurant which had karaoke facilities....and....you should knw what happened right -.- For one thing, the atmosphere was damn high, the adults were downing glasses of alcohol. It was quite tortourous to hear people from one generation back sing the songs, from their generation, no less. But i found it even more torturous to listen to people from our generation sing songs which we all knw, and go completely out of tune. It's just painful. They care about shouting into the microphone and not actually singing. So i figured kbox is still better for me. Haha.

We all left the restaurant with most of the adults drunk like some shit. We got into the car with my cousin at the wheel. And she reversed...and BANG. She reversed right into her father's car. -.- And i was like WTF there la. Zzz.

Then at night, i feel damn bored and then my father decided to take me and my bro back. Midnight driving. It was cool, though a little scary. I mean, although my father didn't drink, it was still 11.15pm and there is this long long road full of sharp bends and all that. I was quite worried that i kept my eyes wide awake and on the road ahead for the whole time until he was out of that long long road of bends. And i fell into a rather deep sleep.

Next time i woke up was 12.45am, coming back close to singapore already. We reached home at 1.15am. 2 hours drive only. Haha. And i slept at 4am. Zzz so i was hell tired when i woke up at 12pm today. Went out to the library to return the book that was due today. Though it was raining, i still had to go. And the thing is, once i stepped up the bus, the rain actually stopped right then. And the best thing is, i actually forgot to bring the book out. So much trouble for nothing. Stupid girl -.-

Don't knw how to do my math ws. And i left all my chem notes in school man, can't do my assignment. But everything else is done! I feel accomplished. LOLL (:

连吊着秋千的铁链都可以断掉, 更何况是牵着这份感情那细细的一条线. 早就已断了, 随风消失不见. 坚决会忘记, 我就一定会. 为什么还要记得这份心碎, 我就让它也随风不见.

I realised i could have gone for training today. If only my mother would tell me that we're not leaving until like 3pm. Freak. Feel damn conned, why is my brother allowed to stay while i have to go? It's so stupid. I have better things to do.

That's nice for a change.

Nope, there isn't any random picture to start off my post today because my handphone battery died on me halfway back home. Well, not like anybody cares anyway.

Suffering from post-NAPFA aches. Screwed up my chinese speech. SS went alright. Lessons after break were totally torturous. I don't knw im so restless after break today. I felt like i was practically going mad. I can't stand the long long hours of lessons after break. I think sylvia must have thought i was damn irritating and noisy beside her. Making so much noise and doing retarded things to keep from banging things on the table. Totally went nuts. Ah well, sorry ):

After school, couldn't attend training. Because i was dumb enough to forget my pe tee. I stoned for 3 straight hours, i was bored close to tears. I totally understand how some felt during trainings without anything to do. Or maybe im just not in the right state of mind today. Waited hell long for 97 to come, ended up taking 51 again. Reached home at like 8.30pm. And im very, very tired now. Plus the fact that my handphone battery died on me halfway through the 45min ride didn't help at all. Zzz..

Going to m'sia tmr to celebrate my grnadmother's 71st birthday. And this happens to be a weekend with most hw due on monday. Damn it.

I don't understand why sometimes...when im feeling perfectly alright that every single one out of my 248 contacts on MSN would ignore me like im not there for the whole night... And at times when im feeling like shit, and people start bothering me. Worse still, with rubbish and whatnot. I'm not exactly feeling entertaining or motivational can. If anything, i probably need motivation the most. Now i knw why people like to appear offline.

----

Why is everyone always talking about turning back time? To right a wrong, to change the way it was? Of course, everyone have regrets in their lives at one point or another, and it's just human enough to want to correct this regret. And yes, im one of them who wished i could turn back time. But i want to do that not to change anything in my life now. No, i want to turn back time to experience what i went through again. Maybe if it's good enough, leave it there and not come back.

But hey, the spoiler is that i can't turn back time. So stop dreaming about it already. I guess my life is still good enough. & i don't bother no more. Though i don't exactly knw, i don't wish to either. To say the least, it feels good not to bother.

走了这么远, 前面还有很长的路等着我走, 而我也要无怨无悔地走完. 累了就该停顿一下, 回想一下, 我想真的可以慢慢忘记. 毕竟休息是为了走更长远的路, 我不会让自己失望.

Didn't update yesterday because i was really busy with the CID proposal. Today was...another bad day? Ohwell. Was feeling especially bored the whole day because sylvia went for SYF. Had CID presentation today. Our presentation was rather lousy i suppose. But im quite happy with the product nonetheless. Lessons were random all the way, as usual.

After school, went to chapel for the official table tennis handover meeting. The new committee is alright i guess. Ohwell nvm... And what the! I'm the treasurer?! It's totally out of the blue and i was damn shocked. And of course i wasn't the least bit interested in the treasurer's post considering what i could have been. But ohwell, it's not like anyone has any damn choice. So,

RVTT exco 2007/2008:
Captain: Sherry
Vice-captain: Junhao
Treasurer: ...
CIP rep: Yeejin
PT coordinator: Edmund

Hopefully this committee would really bring rvtt to greater heights uh...

Went for math remedial from 3-4pm. Couldn't concentrate at all for today's remedial lesson. The worksheet which i could have finished in an hour under normal circumstances, wasn't even half done after 1 hour. I guess bad mood really clouds thinking. Couldn't complete it because we had to go for NAPFA test 5 items today. Talking about the test, maybe it was the only thing which made me feel a little better. Everything improved except shuttle run. Zzz the hall is damn slippery la.

Only thing worth mentioning was my inclines, as usual. Did a 51 this time round. But that stupid person in charge went and deducted 1 from it so im left with 50. Zzz. But well, guess im satisfied with it. NAPFA 2007: 6 'A's, 30 marks. Gold.

And went back to the class to find that our royal table cloth was freaking gone. And so we figured it must have been that girl who came and asked to borrow it. Apparently she thought i gave her the green light when i did not and so resulting in me practically screaming in people's ears. We got it back eventually. And i finally went home, after much hoo-ha.

Doing hw now..good thing. There's chem test tmr but hell, i don't want to care la. Damn tired from last night's proposal chiong-ing. And anyway, thanks matthias for staying up with me for the night and encouraging me for today's 5 items! (:

Ohyes, Congrats to Concert Band for The Gold! It's already of very high standard according to sylvia, so continue to jiayou! (:

Woke up at 4am today for no apparent reason and i feel tired. Nothing to do having woken up so early, i left for school 10 minutes earlier than my usual time. Decided to take 97 instead of 100. I reached je mrt at 6am and the bus interchange looks so...dead today. Either i haven't been there for too long or it really seemed lifeless to me. And i got on the 97 with extremely little rvians. All the better still. I wasn't in a sociable enough mood to start saying hellos to people i knw. Yeah im in a bad mood everyday. Ohwell.

School started off badly. I don't even knw what rubbed me the wrong way today that i was in a bad mood most of the time. I was practically just grumbling throughout the day... On time for chem prac today at least...

So as expected, Miss Chia talked to us about the incident and some other matters about the class. And this time, the whole thinking was different. Some really felt bad. Some cried. I never thought our teachers like Mr Liu and Mr Tan were so protective over us. The fact that it is obvious we were the ones at fault but Mr Liu thought it was his problem. I felt really, really bad, because i knw as we all knw as well, that we took the niceness of the teachers for granted. Don't deny because it is obvious. Dragging the deadline for hw just because we knw the particular teacher doesn't scold...

And i just thought of what Gohsm told us at the start of the year. 'This is only the third week, it's not like it's the third month, why can't you all hand in hw?" And from then till now, even until the third month, fourth even, i still see this situation happening over and over again. And she didn't even complain, though im sure she's one of the teachers who always receive her work late from us and had also extended a few deadlines. Although her punishments were severe, and i complain abaout them. But come to think of it. It's all fair. And tkc too, although i really dislike him and stuff but you can't deny that he's being nice by not complaining. Considering we are late for every of his lessons until only recently.

It totally, totally cracked me up.

I just hope 3H had woken up after Miss Chia spoke to us.. I really hope there will be improvements and not get ourselves into such troubles anymore.

----

First it was -. And then i lost my chance to lead too. Now i lose my own faith in the class. And i don't even get what im supposed to. I totally want to give up, and why not i might as well. There's nothing left for me to lose anymore. Everything is gone. Everything.

It's really hard putting on that smile everyday.

黑夜降临, 又一片忧伤的宁静...

Cold war with my father, ever since two days ago till now. And i think im doing a good job of acting like i don't give a damn. This feeling just sucks.

Really bad day. First i started off with waking up 25 minutes later than usual. Considering i slept at 11pm last night, i don't knw how i still managed to oversleep. Then i missed a bus, missed a train, causing me reach school later than usual too. On my everyday route from the school gate to the staff room to get the management diary then back to the classroom, i was hoping i don't see any familiar faces. I wasn't feeling particularly friendly. But no such luck, i had to plaster a smile and wave to at least 3 people before getting back into the class.

Chem practical. My main cause of misery for the day. I really cannot be sure whether there was chem practical today, in fact nobody could be sure when we were only told on tuesday. It is a 6 day interval between then and now and i really cannot confirm whether there is chem practical. Thanks Jianlong for running up twice to check for me. And then i had to wait for the whole class to clear before i went there myself. So, im the last person who reached, and so, i was the one who got scolded. Shouted and reprimanded at fiercely, no less. And my mood was rotten for the rest of the day. Thank that guy people, thank him. I was giving all my attitude, all my blackest face. Why care anymore? I've tried so hard to hide up my attitude problems, controlled them infront of the teachers, but what do some of them still think?

I have no more reason to be a nice little girl who says yes to every teachers' requests. What i've been working for is gone. There is no purpose. So why bother?!

We were told to stay back in the class after school for that guy to come and receive another round of lecture from him. And he really did come, wasted 50 minutes of my time. So obviously pin-pointing chairpersons and chem rep, but claiming that he isn't. Yes, everything he has scolded about is totally correct. He did nothing wrong, because i would have done it myself someday. But did he have that right to flip through our class management diary, and mock at the people whose names were recorded inside? I think the people who got recorded before does not have to bear this humiliation, it is not part of the punishment.

And yes, i feel very bad for the class. I feel pissed, in any case. I knw all the things i could have done to prevent hat happened today from happening, but i did not do them. It was a failure in my duties and i do blame myself. And we're going to receive another round of scoldings from Miss Chia soon. Considering that guy complained to her right before us.

After that guy left, i gave the class another lashing. I was thouroughly pissed off, at that guy, at myself, at the class. The learning attitude of the class really sucks, and including myself, i ain't exactly an academical role model. But most importantly, i felt unworth fo our class for being put down so badly just because we were late for chem practical. I felt so unworth i just cracked. Of course, still acting like nothing happened. Especially people like Jianlong. If being too kind to volunteer and check the chem lab for me is called kaypoh, then what is nosing through our class affairs with no particular business called? Pure moral injustice? Nevertheless, i still thank Jianlong for helping me check the lab. And sorry for dragging you down in this matter.

Maybe im really not a good enough leader to keep the class out of trouble. Maybe im just not exemplary enough in my actions to be a good role model. Maybe the class don't even bother about what i have told them and whether or not they are scolded. Because most of the time, they are not the ones being scolded. It's not like im a newbie at this. I knw how to handle such circumstances. But sometimes it's just difficult to hide up my emotions when im being blamed for everything i didn't do. I feel the scoldings i get are so unfair when sometimes i am just being over-protective of the class.

I could have walked off myself to the lab first. I could have not been the last and get scolded. In fact i was like the first one who was ready and stood at the door waiting. But i chose to stay and wait for everyone to go first before i went. No, im not trying to say im being very noble here. No. I stayed because i have the duty to make sure everyone leaves the class and i will be behind the queue. I'll make sure everyone is there, at the lab before me. It's between being on time or doing my duty as a chairperson. Either way, i'll still lose something.

Why i got so pissed off and scolded the class is also because of this. The speed of moving is ever so slow. This incident has only proven Miss Chia right, that we'll get into trouble sooner or later. And the reason why im so over-protective, of course in other words strict is only because this way the class can stay out of trouble, and to prove Miss Chia wrong, that 3H is a class which has self-discipline, enough to keep ourselves out of complaints and stuff at least. I just want to be able to prove to her that we'd be different, we'll not be like what she thought. And all that went down the drain today. Looks like Miss Chia had overestimated my leadership qualities.

It's only because i really wish 3H will do ourselves good that i'd be so mean to all of you. Maybe im just a lousy leader after all. I just hope they'd understand and realise.

----

Can things really get better, why do they seem like the downturn will go on and on. Looks like it's long gotten over, looks like im just the one who's still stuck at the exact same place. Like i can't move out of it even when i've tried so hard. Didn't i tell to her face that if she have the courage to confess tonight then i'd have the courage to talk to you tonight, to make the first move after so long? And she did it. So where did all my courage go? Down the drain together with my hopes for the class? It certainly seems like it.

Are you waiting for the first move too or you simply don't care anymore?

雨一直下, 为什么最近的雨不停下. 越看越是心痛, 越看越是难受...

我受不了他了, 完完全全的受不了... 我已不再是害怕你发了疯一样对我狂吼的女儿, 我也已经是一个会为自己想的人... 我不再害怕你手持的藤鞭, 不再害怕你对我说出那种伤人的话... 如果你还不知道, 我不管你高兴不高兴, 要骂要打就请便, 但不要以为我还会怕. 不管你说要下什么命令, 什么惩罚, 我都已经不管了...

不是我叛逆, 不听你说的话, 但是你好象忘了, 我已经是一个十五岁的人了... 不管是女生与否, 我都有自己的想法, 自己做事的方式... 我也没有背着你做了什么伤天害理的事. 我受不了你这种过于闲置的爱我的方式, 我也不喜欢你每回对我说出极为看不起我的话. 如果这是你爱我的方式, 不如还是换一种吧.

你也许不会懂我为什么会在这里像发了疯一样的写我讨厌你. 不, 你错了. 我并不是无知的笨蛋, 我知道这是你爱我的方式, 但我就是受不了... 我真的告诉自己无数次有多么恨你, 一次一次你说出的话都让我听了心痛. 但你永远只看到我不以为然的那一面, 因为我选择不让你看到我流泪的样子... 其实我真得很在意你怎么看我, 我也很透了你那样说我. 不管是为了激发我的斗志或否, 我都恨透了. 真得恨透了...

很遗憾, 我会说出这样的话相信你也明白我累积下来的痛. 我拒绝再相信你爱我, 因为在你的冷嘲热讽背后我感受不到所谓的爱. 你从来都不知道我多么在意你怎么看我...从来都不会了解...

心是彻彻底底的痛.

Didn't update because of class outing which ended rather late, and i reached home thoroughly exhausted to find that my comp was hogged by my father. So i could only wait till now before i could blog. Don't worry, im not giving a 3000 word account of what had happened yesterday like what Sharmie intends. I'm not that hardcore yet, so i'll just blog about anything i remember along the way (:

And so, i woke up at 10.15am, stared at the clock for a moment before realising that i had to meet with the class in 45 minutes time. And then i remembered i turned my hp alarm off at 8.45am -.- And i was late for 10min. First few i saw was Jianlong and Chentao before i went to jec macs to meet with the rest of the girls. The guys went off to play lan long before the girls met.

So, we went up to kbox to find a long queue and many reluctant classmates who didn't want to go in and sing. That queue plus that reluctantness was seriously pissifying but thank god we still managed to go in. Only me, Sylvia, Xinyu, Yanyi, Sharmie and Silin went. It was really awkward at the start but well, because we had to make the atmosphere high enough so everyone would dare to sing, Yanyi kindly made the sacrifice of singing first. By the song "Get High" everyone was indeed already very high and singing our hearts out. And i can't believe they sabotaged me to solo like so many songs for them! Zzz i feel conned -.- But ohwell Sylvia and Yanyi solo-ed a song each too! Their singing was really good and i must say i enjoyed myself.

Though halfway felt abit sianned because i was told the rest of the people didn't have anything left to do and they were feeling sian so we can't sing till 4pm and had to leave at 3pm. Kind of spoiler but no choice, we left around 3.20pm to meet with the rest of the class to go IMM for purchase of our BBQ food. But sadly, my hp battery died on me and i had to go back to change my battery. And i realised that everyone's hp was running low on batt yesterday -.-

Was told to wait for Sylvia and Jieren at Bukit Batok MRT station. And i waited for like 15min? And saw alot of people like MM phyllis. LOL. And then, the spoiler of the day came: my father's call. Oh man, wtf, it totally spoilt my mood for the rest of the day. First, he demanded to knw why i wasn't back home then (it was only 5pm) and i explained that i already informed my mother i was going to a class outing today which my mother, conveniently denied knwing anything. And then, he said he needs my help for typing of a document, and i was super dudiao, can't my two brothers help? He called just to tell me to go home and help him type a document? It sounded really ridiculous to me and i got really pissed off. And then my father started screaming at me when Sylvia and Jieren came. After awhile i just hung up the phone, it's not like i cared. And i followed them into west mall to buy a slice of cake for both Elijah and Jieren (to celebrate their birthdays in advance) and walked a very big round before reaching the place of our BBQ.

Upon arrival, saw most of the guys gone and the rest of the girls cam-whoring. And of course, a few very kindly helping to start the fire for our BBQ. So after venting my anger out to anyone who would listen, i went and cam-whored with them. LOL. Quite a few random pictures. And some which cannot be posted! =x Aha. And our star of the day was Jianlong!

Jianlong with his hands covered with soot. Nice pose =D


Him advertising some ponies in giant!


Look at his face! xD


Doesn't this look like a family portrait? xP

Sylvia and Kristie (:


Me and Kristie (:

Yanyi and Me (:


Running partner; Sharmie! (:


Sinyee(s)! (:


Me and Sylvia; Sistas (:


Girls by the slide (:


And we waited and waited and waited some more for the fire. It took really long and didn't really eat much. I was busy getting the quite-cooked nuggets and seaweed chicken for Sharmie and Kristie. The rest just played around by the playground. The fire took really long to start up, i wonder what to anticipate for our class chalet BBQ =x

Around 10pm, my parents called me to tell me to go home. But because nobody wanted to go home, i didn't want to leave first. Furthermore, it was dark. Then after about 15min, Sharmie, Jonathan and Simon left with us. Along the way to the MRT station, they were argueing whether to alight at Tiong Bahru or Commonwealth MRT. Sounds like two children bickering xD Then Jiachen and Vincent joined us too. Was a lonely bus ride back home but thankfully, i didn't fall asleep because i was standing. If not i think i would have overshot my stop again. Walking along the dark streets back home alone is quite fun. Quiet and still, unlike the usual times. But i seldom get to go home around this time. And i finally reached home at 11.15pm.

When i reached home, received an sms from Jieren telling all of us to sms him when we got home and signed off as 'Concern from welfare reps'! Woah, that is so touching. We never had such smses in 2C. LOL.

Stayed up until like 2.30am watching some horror movie on TV. Until i can't stand it anymore and fell asleep on the couch. Overall, this outing was still okay. Not exactly very successful, the BBQ was a failure but well, we gain experience through this failure and hopefully will secceed the next time round. Nevertheless, thanks to people like Sylvia, Jieren, Sweecheng, Melvin and Wanglie in the help of the fire or for the outing. And of course, thanks to everyone who attended the outing. 3H is really a rather enthusiastic class which is good..Very good. (:

Last but not least,
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO SHIBIN & ELIJAH! (:

Zzz im like freaking tired now. Lessons were boring today, so i shall skip them. After school 3H went to the Art House @The Old Parliament. Whee, it is a super nice place! We went this movie screening room where we were shown like this short clip on a tour around the arts house. And i kept scaring sylvia with alot of ghost crap. Haha. Then our class were split into 2 groups - boys and girls and were brought around the arts house.

The place is really interesting, especially the chamber. We all got to pose as cabinet ministers for teachers to take photos. I also took some rather funny photos with my handphone camera. But i shall not post them (because im too lazy to upload! =x) We were released from city hall at around 5.30pm and we went to marina square for dinner. And me, sylvia, sharman, xinyu, jieren, sweecheng and wanglie took 97 from marina all the way back to je! And i reached home at 9pm. Wow.

& tmr's our first hapsburg outing! Kbox in the morning then BBQ at junhao's place until night! Whee. So looking forward to it (:

No need to worry because i think about you more than you think i do. We are the ones who are acting like strangers... There's a place for everyone in our hearts and no one shall be forgotten. Including you.

Didn't update yesterday because i was dead beat and quite busy (not with homework =x) to update. Reason enough? Ohwell. Anyway yesterday was kind of crazy. After 2.4km run, thought pe would be slack. Then because we were late, we were punished with 40 push-ups and 4 rounds around the damn track. I seriously think tkc was PMS-ing yesterday. LOLL. For the 2+ years he had taken my class, he had never raised his voice before. But he was practically screaming at 3H yesterday. So we ran 10 rounds in 2 days. Madness.

So today, woke up with muscle cramps in my triceps, shoulders and legs. Argh, pure torture walking up/down steps today. And i cannot even raise my arms right up or anything. This is crap. Anyway lessons were boring. Chinese lesson, for once, i felt that it was alright. Then physics was abit sian. Gohsm has a sexy voice today. LOL. Don't knw why so long liao her sore throat haven't recover. And math was as usual. PDP became a class meeting for class outing this friday - GOOD FRIDAY! Aha, sure it would be very fun because the people in 3H are rather enthusiastic.

Finally handed up my article for e-mag. Zzz tmr is physics reading and writing test, and i think im going to flunk it damn badly. Sometimes they really can't blame us for not doing well for tests. They take such things into account, which i fail to see has anything to do with physics at all. I mean, HELLO, the Paul's wheel of reasoning is going to help me get me 'A's for 'A' levels? Don't kid me larh. Hell, i think not right. Waste time, waste efforts. Zzz what's the point man.

And tmr is the last day of the week! We're going to go old parliament house after school for learning journey. It's fun time with 3H plus form&co-form (: Thinking of joining the museum guide thingy. I'm quite interested in the nationl archives one. But then this year i like got too much committments already...scared cannot handle. Ahh..think it over somemore first.

Ohyes, Congrats to CO for The Gold with Honours! (:

Had 2.4km run today, omg i wasn't mentally prepared for it at all. Then just went and ran with sharman. Endurance did the job, 13.04min. Although not very good, but felt that i have tried hard enough, so shall be satisfied with it. And im so relieved that the run's finally over! 5 items next thursday, after that then no stress.

Then felt like dying when i downed a whole bottle of pink dolpin on an empty stomach. Zzz, don't ever do that, you'll regret it like hell. Chem lesson was mrteo again. Didn't listen at all. And all the lessons were random random until music. Music was rather fun, but i realised that my oordination sucks alot. Ohwell. After school still need to attend some stupid culture thing, waste my time.

Then i went home with peiqi and then nothing happened liao. LOL.

我不喜欢别人拿我和其他人比较

----

那是一种无法隐藏的失望。就因为几个人, 让我失去了这个让我发光且期待已久的机会。就因为这样, 机会就这样擦肩而过。

现在只想有你陪, 可是我好像又忘了, 你已不在身边。

这一天里就哭尽了所有的眼泪.

April fools' day. Nothing special probably because it's a weekend. Just went out to bai4 my grandfather. Basically did nothing there, except rot with my brothers while the adults did most of the work. And i was trying to do my physics assignment 3 there. But i feel so useless, i cannot even complete a single question without my brother's help. This is really ridiculous isn't it? What the hell is the problem with me? I'm only on page 4 out of 10 of the assignment now, think i can like forget about finishing.

Oh yes, i still have my math questions which i left undone to do my physics assignment first. Zzz... and i just remembered i was supposed to hand in a piece of module assignment on friday, which i somehow forgot to. Of course, i haven't even done it yet, and i have no idea how exactly im going to finish it by tonight either.

Sometimes i just so feel like giving up when i finally get down and face the hw squarely in the face. It really makes me wonder how i first got into RV, a seemingly good school. It makes me feel like rubbish. 2.4km run on tuesday, which im so going to flop in. I think i don't even have the speed nor stamina to keep up with sharman anymore. Just got to let my 'A' and my full marks slip away once again. And this fact makes me feel even more like crap. If endurance can do the work alone, i'll gladly pull myself through. And it's too late to even try and train anymore.

Zzz...i feel like im back in the emo phase. But it doesn't matter anyway. I don't even care if im emo or not anymore. Because nobody else cares too. So why bother? If being emo makes me feel good (i think this sounds rather sadistic) then i shall just go ahead and be emo. Nobody can interfere or stop me anymore. Nobody. And when everyone else don't give a damn anymore, i don't see why i should.

I tried to make myself happy everyday, but i can just say it's really difficult to maintain this attitude. It's simply short-lived as it is and i can't do anything about it. Why the hell do i even care to try. It's not like anyone bothers yknw. Yeah, give it up. I'll forget about being happy because it's such a goddamn chore. I'll forget about the promise, which doesn't even matter at all. I'll just go back and be someone who is a pathetic idiot with emo posts. I bet even you don't care anymore. I'm so sorry if you don't like that. You can jolly well get lost and don't come back. Then i'll just have to wait till everyone gets sick and tired and leaves, then i'll have a deserted blog all to myself which saves me the trouble of creating another hidden blog.

Eh. I think im out of my mind. Things will turn out fine, because they always do. What a spoiler to everything. Zzz i obviously need time to chill before i go nuts. Sorry people, don't waste your time on my rubbish posts anymore.

It's a new day yet again (considering that it's already pass 1200), and yesterday was spent unproductively, doing nothing but that few math questions. I'm surprised i actually attempted math first. Normally it would be left to the last or even not done at all. I just hope my math results in the mid-year exams don't disappoint me too much. I should worry more for physics, considering i don't even knw how to draw a velocity time graph and acceleration time graph. Pathetic. Chem is alright except for the bonding part. And i don't even dare to think about chinese. Zzz..don't think im keeping my 'A' for history too. Arghh looks like im out to fail again.
Maybe it's time for a slow person like me to start revision for mid-years already.

Going to be owl-ing tonight (or this morning) to complete some homework and make up for some lost time. Considering the house is silent apart from my typing and the music on the player, hopefully i can finish up math and do my physics (overdue) assignment 3 and chinese tmr. But i doubt i can do much tmr anyway, since my parents are bringing us all to bai4 my grandfather... So long since he'd passed away and this is the first time im going to bai4 him, and only because of Ching Ming. Zzz im an unfilial granddaughter. So all the more i must try and complete more work by the time i go and sleep. So, uh, i also don't knw why am i still here typing away...

Don't knw what's the problem with me these few days. Getting very upset over some very small matters, or even nothing at all. I don't even knw what is it that made me upset, or am i just being emo again. This is so frustrating, i can't concentrate half of the time. Just kept staring, and staring... at that strip of highlight... Just got to accept it and move on. Everything's still going to turn out alright at the end, im sure it would be, only if i will just let loose and continue on with my life. Or is it that i still refuse to believe? Didn't allow the fact to sink into my brain and realise that it is gone, for real?

I just hope i would stop acting like this big pathetic idiot. I'm supposed to be a strong girl, i knw it, you knw it. It's just my character, just in me, something which i cannot change, at least not that easily. I'm wasn't a born pessimist, i used to tell people to look on the bright side like optimists do. But now all i do is say that there is no bright side. It's just what life does that made me a pessimist. And what is so bad about it? I'd have anticipated the worse, everything bad would have been expected. So at least i would say 'i knew it would turn out like this' instead of 'i never knew it would be this bad'.

Well actually im already considered a very lucky person. I'm born with a normal body structure, without handicaps, fully functioning vision and hearing etc. No hereditary illness, not weak, not disabled in any way at all. And also, a strong character, a strong mind (or at least i act like i have a strong mind), and stronger physical abilities to do better in sports than aesthetics. So why am i still a pessimist when i seem to have such a perfect life? Well, i don't knw myself. Maybe having one-too-many friendship problems since young had taught me that the friends are not forever like how they always say. And that's also why i never had a best friend. You can say no one was close enough to be one, or i simply didn't let anyone be close enough. Maybe entering secondary school, exposed to all kinds of people and the tainted world had taught me that the human heart is always scheming for its own benefits and that no one could really be trusted. Maybe after my 14+ years of life, i have seen enough people who backstabbed, badmouthed to knw the fact that true friends are really so rare, that im afraid to even think what i would face in the adult world.

I've been unpredictable since young and little knew what i was thinking most of the time. I never really let anyone get close enough to knw me well enough to be a best friend. And so far maybe less than 3 people i really consider as people whom i can trust, people who aren't fair-weathered friends, people who have proven themselves to me over time. People who deserve me opening up and sharing more. Friends i have many, true friends even i myself don't knw. Many people have told me i could always rely on them, but how many really stayed with me through the most dificult emotional turmoils, i can count on one hand. I never had any best friend, and what did it feel like? Well, nothing. I don't knw how having a best friend feels like as well. I could get really close with someone but s/he would still not be a best friend. And there's no reason for it. I've seen too many friendships which changed. Friends come and go in our lives, no one really left footprints behind... Maybe i must really thank the people whom i really trust, which currently have been reduced to a pathetic 1 or 2?

Being strong-willed can get so tiring sometimes. Just like to act like everything's alright when obviously they are not. Just like to keep everything to oneself until the mind can't withstand more of such stress. Why am i someone like this? People can ask, but i can only say, it's my character. I'm not someone who cry easily, at least not infront of others. People say that tears are a sign of weakness. But no, i beg to differ. Because they are not, they are not a weakness, they are the bravery of daring to express yourself when you're sad/happy. It is a sign of letting go of your emotions. No, it's not a weakness. I'm someone who is stubborn enough to think crying infront of others is something embarrasing. But behind that perfect smiling mask, lies another scarred heart which never shedded a tear in presence of others (other than losing competitions). I'm still yet another person after all.

Just cry when you feel like it. There's nothing wrong at all.

Oh such long random crap. Congrats if you managed to read till this far. Well, done with some random self-analysis, time for hw...

& I'm supposed to be strong.