Didn't go for CIP today, was kinda tired because i slept very late last night. I actually forgot to set my alarm to 7am, but miraculously, i woke up at 7am. I was so very very tired to drag myself out of bed, i sent a message to yanyi that i won't be going to CIP. And then i dropped back down to sleep =x Then i next woke up at like 11am.

Went out with zhijun to do my homework. Did abit only bah. Got stuck at math for damn long. Zzz, feel so bored. Think we spent more time on eating than on doing. Argh. I don't knw why but i really have no mood for homework at all. The mere thought of it turns me off, it was never this bad before. This is bad...very bad. Getting more and more slack.

Then went back home and went out again for dinner. Been so long since we went out for dinner. But my brother didn't join. That same old anti-socialness. On our way to the place we're having dinner, my parents started talking about me in the car as if i wasn't there. M stands for mother and F stands for father. B stands for brother. S stand for me.

F: B will attend university same year as S after he completes National Service.
M: Are you sure S can make it to the university? She came back with an F9 in her math.
F: That is not my problem, i have the money to let her study, it is her problem whether she have the capability to do so or not. Talking about tuition, still fail.
M: Oh ya, tuition. What happened to your tuition?
S: QUITTED because you didn't let me continue if i failed.
F: You see you see, tuition got what use, she still got an F9. She don't even care about her own future, she doesn't put any effort into her studies at all.
M: Nono, i think she places too much focus in her CCA.
F: What's the use of her CCA? Help her earn millions when she grow up? I should have sent her to Sports School. She can forget about going to university with a failure grade in math.

And i just don't see why. Them talking about me like im not there, while im seated in the car's backseat like a stupid dog, pretending like i can't hear or don't understand what they are talking about. Pretending like it doesn't hurt to hear them saying that of me. Pretending like i don't give a damn at all.

Suddenly i remembered what zhijun told me today. To work towards what i want, to work towards a scholarship for overseas studying because i don't want to study here. And after what they said, i think maybe i don't really care anymore. Maybe i shouldn't bother to try so hard because all they see is me putting efforts in my CCA. Fine, im not going to make it to university. And it'll be all because of them.

I knw i failed my math this time, and by saying that im not the lowest in class, it would only be self consolation. I shouldn't be aiming to not be the last in class only, i should have higher aims. But what about my history? I got an A1! But nobody seems to care. My mother can tell me that history is of no use, fine. I got an A2 for phyics too, is this not important as well? Everything you people see is me slacking and going for trainings. You people always think trainings are the only thing affecting me. You people always pretend like you understand when you knw nuts about everything. I'm just so fcking sick of it.

I'm forever the one they criticise till like i have no good in me. From the start till the end, i have nothing about me worth mentoning. I'm that hopeless loser. But it just so happens that you both have got to live with me sticking around, who ask you'd have a hopeless loser for a daughter.