It's a new day yet again (considering that it's already pass 1200), and yesterday was spent unproductively, doing nothing but that few math questions. I'm surprised i actually attempted math first. Normally it would be left to the last or even not done at all. I just hope my math results in the mid-year exams don't disappoint me too much. I should worry more for physics, considering i don't even knw how to draw a velocity time graph and acceleration time graph. Pathetic. Chem is alright except for the bonding part. And i don't even dare to think about chinese. Zzz..don't think im keeping my 'A' for history too. Arghh looks like im out to fail again.
Maybe it's time for a slow person like me to start revision for mid-years already.

Going to be owl-ing tonight (or this morning) to complete some homework and make up for some lost time. Considering the house is silent apart from my typing and the music on the player, hopefully i can finish up math and do my physics (overdue) assignment 3 and chinese tmr. But i doubt i can do much tmr anyway, since my parents are bringing us all to bai4 my grandfather... So long since he'd passed away and this is the first time im going to bai4 him, and only because of Ching Ming. Zzz im an unfilial granddaughter. So all the more i must try and complete more work by the time i go and sleep. So, uh, i also don't knw why am i still here typing away...

Don't knw what's the problem with me these few days. Getting very upset over some very small matters, or even nothing at all. I don't even knw what is it that made me upset, or am i just being emo again. This is so frustrating, i can't concentrate half of the time. Just kept staring, and staring... at that strip of highlight... Just got to accept it and move on. Everything's still going to turn out alright at the end, im sure it would be, only if i will just let loose and continue on with my life. Or is it that i still refuse to believe? Didn't allow the fact to sink into my brain and realise that it is gone, for real?

I just hope i would stop acting like this big pathetic idiot. I'm supposed to be a strong girl, i knw it, you knw it. It's just my character, just in me, something which i cannot change, at least not that easily. I'm wasn't a born pessimist, i used to tell people to look on the bright side like optimists do. But now all i do is say that there is no bright side. It's just what life does that made me a pessimist. And what is so bad about it? I'd have anticipated the worse, everything bad would have been expected. So at least i would say 'i knew it would turn out like this' instead of 'i never knew it would be this bad'.

Well actually im already considered a very lucky person. I'm born with a normal body structure, without handicaps, fully functioning vision and hearing etc. No hereditary illness, not weak, not disabled in any way at all. And also, a strong character, a strong mind (or at least i act like i have a strong mind), and stronger physical abilities to do better in sports than aesthetics. So why am i still a pessimist when i seem to have such a perfect life? Well, i don't knw myself. Maybe having one-too-many friendship problems since young had taught me that the friends are not forever like how they always say. And that's also why i never had a best friend. You can say no one was close enough to be one, or i simply didn't let anyone be close enough. Maybe entering secondary school, exposed to all kinds of people and the tainted world had taught me that the human heart is always scheming for its own benefits and that no one could really be trusted. Maybe after my 14+ years of life, i have seen enough people who backstabbed, badmouthed to knw the fact that true friends are really so rare, that im afraid to even think what i would face in the adult world.

I've been unpredictable since young and little knew what i was thinking most of the time. I never really let anyone get close enough to knw me well enough to be a best friend. And so far maybe less than 3 people i really consider as people whom i can trust, people who aren't fair-weathered friends, people who have proven themselves to me over time. People who deserve me opening up and sharing more. Friends i have many, true friends even i myself don't knw. Many people have told me i could always rely on them, but how many really stayed with me through the most dificult emotional turmoils, i can count on one hand. I never had any best friend, and what did it feel like? Well, nothing. I don't knw how having a best friend feels like as well. I could get really close with someone but s/he would still not be a best friend. And there's no reason for it. I've seen too many friendships which changed. Friends come and go in our lives, no one really left footprints behind... Maybe i must really thank the people whom i really trust, which currently have been reduced to a pathetic 1 or 2?

Being strong-willed can get so tiring sometimes. Just like to act like everything's alright when obviously they are not. Just like to keep everything to oneself until the mind can't withstand more of such stress. Why am i someone like this? People can ask, but i can only say, it's my character. I'm not someone who cry easily, at least not infront of others. People say that tears are a sign of weakness. But no, i beg to differ. Because they are not, they are not a weakness, they are the bravery of daring to express yourself when you're sad/happy. It is a sign of letting go of your emotions. No, it's not a weakness. I'm someone who is stubborn enough to think crying infront of others is something embarrasing. But behind that perfect smiling mask, lies another scarred heart which never shedded a tear in presence of others (other than losing competitions). I'm still yet another person after all.

Just cry when you feel like it. There's nothing wrong at all.

Oh such long random crap. Congrats if you managed to read till this far. Well, done with some random self-analysis, time for hw...

& I'm supposed to be strong.