黑夜降临, 又一片忧伤的宁静...

Cold war with my father, ever since two days ago till now. And i think im doing a good job of acting like i don't give a damn. This feeling just sucks.

Really bad day. First i started off with waking up 25 minutes later than usual. Considering i slept at 11pm last night, i don't knw how i still managed to oversleep. Then i missed a bus, missed a train, causing me reach school later than usual too. On my everyday route from the school gate to the staff room to get the management diary then back to the classroom, i was hoping i don't see any familiar faces. I wasn't feeling particularly friendly. But no such luck, i had to plaster a smile and wave to at least 3 people before getting back into the class.

Chem practical. My main cause of misery for the day. I really cannot be sure whether there was chem practical today, in fact nobody could be sure when we were only told on tuesday. It is a 6 day interval between then and now and i really cannot confirm whether there is chem practical. Thanks Jianlong for running up twice to check for me. And then i had to wait for the whole class to clear before i went there myself. So, im the last person who reached, and so, i was the one who got scolded. Shouted and reprimanded at fiercely, no less. And my mood was rotten for the rest of the day. Thank that guy people, thank him. I was giving all my attitude, all my blackest face. Why care anymore? I've tried so hard to hide up my attitude problems, controlled them infront of the teachers, but what do some of them still think?

I have no more reason to be a nice little girl who says yes to every teachers' requests. What i've been working for is gone. There is no purpose. So why bother?!

We were told to stay back in the class after school for that guy to come and receive another round of lecture from him. And he really did come, wasted 50 minutes of my time. So obviously pin-pointing chairpersons and chem rep, but claiming that he isn't. Yes, everything he has scolded about is totally correct. He did nothing wrong, because i would have done it myself someday. But did he have that right to flip through our class management diary, and mock at the people whose names were recorded inside? I think the people who got recorded before does not have to bear this humiliation, it is not part of the punishment.

And yes, i feel very bad for the class. I feel pissed, in any case. I knw all the things i could have done to prevent hat happened today from happening, but i did not do them. It was a failure in my duties and i do blame myself. And we're going to receive another round of scoldings from Miss Chia soon. Considering that guy complained to her right before us.

After that guy left, i gave the class another lashing. I was thouroughly pissed off, at that guy, at myself, at the class. The learning attitude of the class really sucks, and including myself, i ain't exactly an academical role model. But most importantly, i felt unworth fo our class for being put down so badly just because we were late for chem practical. I felt so unworth i just cracked. Of course, still acting like nothing happened. Especially people like Jianlong. If being too kind to volunteer and check the chem lab for me is called kaypoh, then what is nosing through our class affairs with no particular business called? Pure moral injustice? Nevertheless, i still thank Jianlong for helping me check the lab. And sorry for dragging you down in this matter.

Maybe im really not a good enough leader to keep the class out of trouble. Maybe im just not exemplary enough in my actions to be a good role model. Maybe the class don't even bother about what i have told them and whether or not they are scolded. Because most of the time, they are not the ones being scolded. It's not like im a newbie at this. I knw how to handle such circumstances. But sometimes it's just difficult to hide up my emotions when im being blamed for everything i didn't do. I feel the scoldings i get are so unfair when sometimes i am just being over-protective of the class.

I could have walked off myself to the lab first. I could have not been the last and get scolded. In fact i was like the first one who was ready and stood at the door waiting. But i chose to stay and wait for everyone to go first before i went. No, im not trying to say im being very noble here. No. I stayed because i have the duty to make sure everyone leaves the class and i will be behind the queue. I'll make sure everyone is there, at the lab before me. It's between being on time or doing my duty as a chairperson. Either way, i'll still lose something.

Why i got so pissed off and scolded the class is also because of this. The speed of moving is ever so slow. This incident has only proven Miss Chia right, that we'll get into trouble sooner or later. And the reason why im so over-protective, of course in other words strict is only because this way the class can stay out of trouble, and to prove Miss Chia wrong, that 3H is a class which has self-discipline, enough to keep ourselves out of complaints and stuff at least. I just want to be able to prove to her that we'd be different, we'll not be like what she thought. And all that went down the drain today. Looks like Miss Chia had overestimated my leadership qualities.

It's only because i really wish 3H will do ourselves good that i'd be so mean to all of you. Maybe im just a lousy leader after all. I just hope they'd understand and realise.

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Can things really get better, why do they seem like the downturn will go on and on. Looks like it's long gotten over, looks like im just the one who's still stuck at the exact same place. Like i can't move out of it even when i've tried so hard. Didn't i tell to her face that if she have the courage to confess tonight then i'd have the courage to talk to you tonight, to make the first move after so long? And she did it. So where did all my courage go? Down the drain together with my hopes for the class? It certainly seems like it.

Are you waiting for the first move too or you simply don't care anymore?