Today was Chinese paper 2 and also, the last paper for our end of years exam. I did extra carefully for this paper, because i felt that now only up to chinese to salvage this situation. I spent about 20mins looking at the cloze passage, stuck at two questions, then i finally wrote down the answer, and hopefully they are correct. This resulting in me left with 15mins to complete the last comprehension. But with horrendous hndwriting i managed.

Everyone was very happy that exams finally over le bah...Somehow i feel it's one day closer to my dooms day, so don't really feel the joy of exam over, maybe just a little more light-hearted. Actually i just want to enjoy my weekend, so why can't we just get this over with? I'm truly very worn out after the exams. Where do i find the time and energy to go and bother about this kind of imbecile matters? Moreover, i don't see a point anymore, there's nothing more to be said, and of course, whatever the outcome, my answer would remain the same. My decision had actually wavered, and i don't believe a simple cloze passage for this chinese paper can make me have a change of mind for even a second. But i had let the cold mask take over, there's no need for extra sentiments.

I went home today, seemingly in a good enough mood to last the rest of the day. I went back to school for the lantern fest celebrations. I would say it's quite a letdown. The PRCs had put in effort, put they made the mistake of putting all the other PRC scholars in a group against us, the sec 2s who are like dirt compared to them. Some of the scholars sang quite well, honestly that's the only part i enjoyed in the whole celebration. Towards the end, everyone was invited to the canteen to eat mooncakes and we were actually supposed to go hold a bunch of lanterns and walk round the track like some 3 year-old kids. The few of us already feel very sian, my light-hearted attitude starting to wear out, and so we went home.

On the bus, the 4 of us sat separated because 97 was too packed. Then i thought about alot of things but they all revolve around the same thing. I was smsing guokai at that time, telling him i was in fact very woried about my results and the subject combination that i am able to take up. It's like there isn't much choices left i guess. I knw i won't do well for this end of years. But i have no idea why i felt stangely sad over this. Maybe i didn't really put in enough effort, maybe i didn't study enough, maybe it's because i seldom pay attention in class...maybe maybe... But it's already too late, i cannot do anything more about this exam. I asked myself, perhaps the first time i actually did, why i cannot do well. I studied for chemistry, since holidays, until the day the test paper was infront of me. I think that was like 3 weeks? Chemistry is not last minute revision but maybe i just put too much concentration in it. I didn't really study so much for physics but that was because we all had thought chemistry would be the major paper. We were not informed of the change in format, so i could say, we pretty much got pwned. I knw that by forgetting to bring my maths file to my grandma house to study is already a very big mistake. I felt that i could have at least done more if i had the maths file with me. But who to blame? It's all over isn't it? Up till the day the subject had been tested, I've been sitting in the library or at my grandma's house, sitting for straight hours, cramming those information in. But maybe the effort is still not enough.

I'm not someone whose tears fall easily, and more importantly, i never let others see them fall. I wonder what will my reaction be when i received back my chem paper, maybe failed, maybe a borderline pass, but nothing more, i'm sure. Will i be depressed the whole period or the whole day? Or would i just act indifferent and console myself that this is my best? Crying is not an option. Maybe i will only come back home, lock myself in my room, and cry my eyes out, but no, you won't see me doing that. I'm most disappointed in chem this time le bah, since i studied so hard for it, i really don't knw what i will do when i find that i had not done well at all. Throughout the whole 30mins bus ride, i was quite silent. Ariel, veron and yanyi kept talking about results. I had told them not to say anymore, but they continued, talking about what subject combination to take etc. Then veron asked me what i wanted, but i'm not sure i even qualify for anyone anymore. I told guokai, maybe it's okay that i don't take triple science, maybe i can take another combination now and still do well for sec 3. Yes, it's as easy as that, but no, i didn't say what i really feel . I had wanted to enter RV when i was in P4 and wanted to take triple science combination in P6. Having aspired for this for so long, i guess it really isn't as easy to take it like i don't care.

I told guokai, maybe i'm too used to be in the best class since primary school, and had totally forgotten that Xingnan and RV is in fact, very different. I still remember the first day i had stepped into RV, sec 1 registraion day, i found my name, number 20 in class 1C. I still remember i said "huh, class C arh..." But i had accepted that because i knw i might not be the best in RV and also, the third class is not all that bad. But now, a great fall, who to blame but myself, being so complacent, thinking that the triple science combination would always have a place for me. Well, i'm just damn wrong wasn't i? Actually i had just wanted to prove to my mother that i really did study. I admit that sometimes i really slack and whatever but it's like she has got selective sight, she only see me plahy comp but never before see me studying. I just want to be able to throw my report card in her face and say "there i told you i got study.." but obviously now, i'm unable to do that, and she will just go on and tell me she was damn right bout me not studying.

I knw you all are being concerned. But don't tell me that exams are over, don't think about results first...Exams are indeed over, but i will have to think about my results sometime. It doesn't really mean that i can go all crazy after the exams because there is still the results to survive. Of course, i knw i will survive, how many times have i managed to? Obviously, every time. It's just the grades, the percentage, the combination. Everything else that matters. I can't do much more to turn back time and do the exam all over again. There's nothing i can do at all actually.

I knw talking about all this is of no use now because the results will still remain the same no matter what i say. But my point is, i'm disappointed in myself. What a long post, i better stop now. Please don't come and try to console me because nothing will change whatever you say, and i'll have to face it somehow, so why not now? Unless you are quite sure i won't give you fucked up attitude, then come try me.

``sinyee