This is going to be a long post. Don't say i didn't warned you.

I got back my maths paper 2 today. Not exactly well done, but i passed. Heard that the class clapped for me. Thanks, but well, that doesn't change the fact that my total for maths is still a 56. And i saw our CA marks today, incredibly disappointing. Only language arts, i got an unexpectable A1. My L1R4 was 15 which is crap. I really can't bear to hear people happily discussing about their 6 pointer L1R4 and trample all over me. I really had felt lousy at that time but i can't do anything. If i had a 6 pointer for my L1R4, i guess i would be like them too.
I must really thank Mr Loke. Although i only got 34 for paper 2, he had called my name, looked at me and said "Good" and he smiled. Not like last yr, i got 37 and the teacher moved his gaze from the paper to me and back again, seemingly not believing i could actually achieve such a mark. No matter whether Mr Loke really meant what he said, or it was a mere consolation, he made me feel better, and i'm thankful for it.

We had a talk in LT1 today about the subject combinations we are going to take up next year. Since my results are of suck crap quality, triple science no longer applies anymore. I was thinking of double science and take history and literature as elective subject. Or, double science, history as elective subject, and literature as elective module. So in second semester i can take major events in world history as elective module. But i'll decide when i get all my crappy results back.

Few days back, when i told my mum that i want to take the pure hist combination, my mum said this "History is useless if you want to be a lawyer next time. Why you fail your history and maths? Why you deproved so much? Failed history you still want to take history combination?" And so i told her, "RV doesn't offer us the study of law, sadly. What do you knw?" Which made me have this flashback. When i told her i topped the level in literature last year, she said this "Top literature this kind of useless subject got what use? Why you never top those subjects like maths or science?" However useless she thinks literature might be, i topped that subject. Which i don't think happens to be by chance. I chose history because of interest and literature because i'm good in it. So is there anything wrong with me wanting to take her so called "useless" subjects. Because very unfortunately, i happen to suck in subjects like maths, science and whatever others.

What a joke, ang voted me for best chairperson. Please, i knw she voted me for the sake of voting her own class chairperson. And as such, i so will not get the award. My name and "best chairperson" so do not come together unless it's accompanied by the words "joke" or "dream" Such a disgrace to 2C, sorry guys, we won't be able to get best chairperrson award like last year. It's not like you people don't knw how much i suck. Sad but true. Now i have got 2 expository essays waiting for me to do. I still don't knw what Mr lee sees in me, but i hope i don't disappoint another person who had hopes in me. And i have learning fest stuff to worry about. I don't knw what's the teachers' problems. Misplacing our class's proposal and i end up redoing everything. How fair. I don't care if our class gets any class prize for this. There's only 9 days left but i'm really worn out. I don't think this is a good idea of us learning anything at all. Sock it away man, i'm really tired.

Actually i just about had enough. Drop your emo act will you? It's seriously getting on my nerves. Why are you unable to give me a very simple and straightforward answer as to why you are crying so terribly? does it hurt you, make you so incredibly sad that you can't help but cry? You shook your head no, then what is it? I think it's just a fag you knw. I did not feel angry, disappointed or anything anymore. I just felt that this is ridiculously funny. Why are you crying for what you have done. I could have spat in your face and told you that you brought this upon yourself. I gave you my most sacarstic and harsh tones, but mind you, i can do more. And i don't think you are all that interested in having a taste. The decision is final. Don't you feel ashamed at all? The answers you hav gave me is nothing but just an excuse. Excuse of everything you have done. Ridiculously lousy excuses, even. Now it's settled, so get out of my face already. And stop giving me that pathetic face will you? I had enough.

Is this one of the times you felt like you actually need someone? I thought i had someone. More than one someone, not any random someone. So where are they now? Not here. Because no one really cares about me.

I can't fake it like i used to before. I really can't help but let the tears fall. The long held back tears finally fell today. Nobody knws that i actually cried in school today.