Don't have to go through so much trouble just because i cannot make it. Suan le larh, majority can then just go. I don't mind and it really doesn't matter to me already. After everything that we all said and done, i already don't feel like going anymore. Maybe we'll meet up another time. It's impossible to find a date which all of us can make it, just settle with the date now. I really don't mind. All i wanted to do was gather with the class. Not have all these unwanted unhappiness. I have enough to handle alreay.

I reached home late today. And to find no one but my brother at home. He told me a shocking news. That my grandmother has been admitted to the hospital. And instantly i thought of what had happened about three months ago. Although i still don't knw what happened to her, but i knw that i don't want to regret again. Regret not visiting her at the hospital when she is still around. I don't care whether it is serious or not. I'm afraid it would end in the same way.

I did not even shed a single tear during my grandfather's funeral. I remembered i didn't even want to be there. How i begged my mother every night to let me return to school the next day, how my father had scolded me and asked whether i could not see this is more important than attending school. Honestly i could not see. I really didn't understand why. Why i felt no sadness whatsoever even when i saw his pale face lying in that coffin, still, and gone forever. When i saw his coffin being pushed in to be cremated, my aunt was shouting and crying uncontrollably. And that was about the only time i ever felt sad about him passing away.

Of course it's just a matter of time. She's old too afterall. But i don't want to feel that feeling of guilt within me again. How i had thought that my grandfather wasn't so important. I can visit him another time. Well, the next time i wanted to go, he's no longer around. I really felt ashamed of myself that all i had thought when the funeral was held was that how it was ruining all my plans, my schoolwork, everything. I don't want to have to regret not doing eveything i could before she leaves us. Although i am not very close with her, that is why i might not feel sad, but i will not forget the days i spent at her house. The three days there, during my exam period. How she will wake up every morning at 6am and bring me to the bus stop just opposite her flat. How she will keep walking in when i'm studying and asking whether i have everything i need. And i won't forget how much she said she wanted me to stay, how she looked when she said it. She's alone, all alone in that 3 room flat after my granfather passed away and the maid's been sent away. She still gave me her house keys, telling me to go back next time i have my exams.

It's already 10.17pm. They are not back yet. Everytime i hear footsteps i would run over to the balcony window and see if they are back. And everytime, i don't see them rounding the corner below me. I stood so long at the balcony window, looking out and wondering when they will come back and let me knw. Knw at least what happened to her...

Is it too late? God bless her. I hope she's alright.

And I don't understand why i always have to act like I'm okay when I'm not.